Northern rules kendo

[chidokan]

I am sick of all this namby pamby kendo I see nowadays.... when I was a lad we didnt even wear bogu, and if we didnt end up with at least three broken bones every night we just werent trying...here are some proper rules from the old school of Northern England kendo ( note southern poofters wont be able to hack this level of training...)
1: only tsuki below the tare.
2:beginners shinai to have splinters for dragging down the necks, seniors to have splintered bokken.
3: do are only to be used for a)throwing or b) strangling. They should be soft and pliable above the solid section in case a tsuki goes accidentally high.
4:kote to be totally soft at the wrist, but be solid in the fist. lead inserts allowed only for seniors.
5:men to be soft, bars to be bent in numerous places due to bokken hits.
6: any shinai used to be modified to be whippy so they can bend round over the top of the men and smack the opponent in the back of the head.
7: single cuts not allowed, must be manic charge involving at least ten cuts.
8:group fighting only, no 1 on 1 unless its a ploy to sideswipe someone in the back of the head in the next bout along.
9: a shinai losing a kissaki is no excuse to stop, the tekki just has to dodge 4 instead of 1 thing slashing at him.
10:kicking, punching, tripping compulsory. if tekki falls over entire class must rush over and pound him while he is on the floor.
11: unconscious people are merely extra targets that you hit when tekki falls over one...
12:any junior should be beaten to death at least once a week.

There were more but I will have to talk to Denis at Newcastle kendo club to remind me on...

[Mike Molloy]

Sure I trained at plenty of dojo like that back in the dark ages! Certainly not exclusive to the North...
1) I teach this technique to ladies as a defence against big lads who like throwing their weight around too much. Also ni-dan waza "kote-knee-in-the-groin" is a good one.
2) My shinai turned into a pile of kindling last night so can't afford to comment...
3) Club bogu is always like this.
4) See 3).
5) Sounds like John King Sensei. Tokui waza - kubi tsuki!
6) That'll be any carbon shinai then...
7) Kakari geiko baby! (All in one breath...)
8) That's what happens if you train in a squash court.:scared:
9) Slashing is OK, it's tsuki thru the men-gane you want to worry about.
10) Keishicho standard rules!
11) See 10).
12) Any Japanese highschool kendo club.

[ghostdancer]

did you practice in shoebox int middle of road ?
thrashed t sleep wid broken bottles

[Nkd666]

It should also be practiced only in the months of December and january, and only wearing a particularly thin vest.:calm:

[ghostdancer]

how about a knotted hankie instead of a men and a tank top instead of a do then you`d look just like Gumby....

[PhilMcLaughlin]

Hmmm

the last time i saw you in bogu was - well a long time ago........ and the wasnt it the southern poofs who actually beat the vikings in battle whereas the northerners just paid protection money and hid away ??

and dont I recall that you use a particularly lightweight iaito ;-) hmm ?

I too recall the old days & there are pros and cons - youre just an old pro now mate ;-|


if you want to recall that past feeling (assuming youre not too old now) Im sure Shui and Alex at Pompey dojo can bring back that happy glowing feeling - ask Vik Richardson what they did to nenriki A last weekend

Im sure youd be welcome to come visit that is of course assuming youre passport is up t'date but dont forget bermudas and vest as its about 11 degress down here at t'moment

ahh the old days :-)

[Mowvran]

[quote=PhilMcLaughlin]Hmmm

and the wasnt it the southern poofs who actually beat the vikings in battle whereas the northerners just paid protection money and hid away ??

No


go back a little earlier in Iron age Britain the main finds in the North were weapons and the main finds in the South Jewellery we were fighting Romans and the South was trying to look attractive

The only thing hard in the south is the water

[Nkd666]

The only thing hard in the south is the water

And exiled Northeners.:cool:

[Mowvran]

And exiled Northeners.:cool:

fair play and those northeners who travel down to educate the heathens

[Nkd666]

..... and those northeners who travel down to educate the heathens

That can be done?:cheerful:

[Mowvran]

That can be done?:cheerful:

we can but try

[chidokan]

It should also be practiced only in the months of December and january, and only wearing a particularly thin vest. while outside of course...and vests are for beginners only. In Norway.

ahh Phil....I have had to give up kendo due to southern poofter rules takeover.(and a broken knee.) It got like footy, hit em once and they take a dive and shout for the ref... I first came across that in Stoke as I recall...:D If I'd known you were at S'ton I was at boat show and you could have popped in...see ya next year?
In fact, isn't the local pub called "the diving kendoka"? (and its nowt to do with scuba kit...)
AH! the new 'ultimate MA'! underwater kendo!:D (have to sell the idea to James Bond producers)

I only use a lightweight iaito so I can hit you more and faster for longer....:evil:

[PhilMcLaughlin]

we can but try


very trying for the most part, but having been civilised for longer we can cope ;-)

[PhilMcLaughlin]

while outside of course...and vests are for beginners only. In Norway.

ahh Phil....I have had to give up kendo due to southern poofter rules takeover.(and a broken knee.)

lightweight ;-)


It got like footy, hit em once and they take a dive and shout for the ref... I first came across that in Stoke as I recall...:D If I'd known you were at S'ton I was at boat show and you could have popped in...see ya next year?
In fact, isn't the local pub called "the diving kendoka"? (and its nowt to do with scuba kit...)
AH! the new 'ultimate MA'! underwater kendo!:D (have to sell the idea to James Bond producers)

have you seen the 'compression clothing' in the BKA newsletter ??



I only use a lightweight iaito so I can hit you more and faster for longer....:evil

Im glad you cleared that one up mate - I thought it was because you were a namby Northerner ;-))

[Mokujin77]

Gaaaah! I've had it up to here with all this Northern England propaganda. You're all just bitter because you've been made to talk gibberish all your lives (thee? nowt? What the f___?). You have nothing to be proud of except an uncanny ability to dress inappropriately in minus temperatures! And, is it not said, it's grim up North?

[satsumaruma]

M77.

Tim is not spouting proganda this is fact dear boy. And they don't say thee, tha, gi-ooouer, baht, waint etc etc in the North where Tim is - to him Yorkshire is still down south.

We have soo much more to boast than our ability to stay warm when its slightly chilly ( translate into ponce speak: fackin' freezin me ol' china).

Beer (goes without saying), Music (Beatles, Oasis, Muse, New Order, Joy Division, Northern Soul, Bryan Ferry - you have Chas and Dave), beaches (sand not shingle), Hills (that are over 1 metre high), fresh air (Yorkshire Dales/Moors, Lake District, Northumberland Vs Central Laaandaaan).

The downside is we have Tim:silly: :silly:

Yes....okay you win... on that one point alone I concur you guys DO have it better:silly: :silly:

[Awooga Guy]

There's nothing wrong with Chas n Dave mate - Awooga Guy has a few of their songs on his iPod.

Leave London alone - it's a great place. Stuff actually happens there :)

The only downside is Awooga Guy has to drive for hours to attend niten ichi ryu seminars with Scott and Lounge :)





That is all.

[satsumaruma]

I know London is fine - especially in the proper parts away from the centre; which I loathe with a passion.

I have a few good friends down there and have had some fantastic nights out in Camden and Covent Garden. Went to the Comedy Store or Club or something at Camden Lock with a large group of friends a few years back and nearly got ejected by the fattest bloke in Christendom because we were not laughing in the right places. apparently they were filming that night and because we were joking amongst ourselves our laughter was unsynch'd with the jokes.

Do you remember Roy Walker who did Catchphrase - his son was on and was very funny; certainly funnier than his old man. I had a chat with him in the bogs after his set - funny how men talk whilst having a pee.

[D'Artagnan]

And exiled Northeners.:cool:


'reet bouwt that wun maate,

We all know that the north will prove to be the holy land of hardness!

just wait and see...:cool2:

[D'Artagnan]

Do you remember Roy Walker who did Catchphrase - his son was on and was very funny; certainly funnier than his old man. I had a chat with him in the bogs after his set - funny how men talk whilst having a pee.


He is at Blackpool (north) pleasure beach more than in London, he knows where its at...

[Nanbanjin]

When I set up my dojo the rules will be

1. Safron keiko-gi hakama
2. Veils instead of men towel
3. Multi coloured himo
4. We will say "Om" during mokuso
5. The big drum at the end of the class will be replaced with the tabla and sitar
6. Heads will be shaved with the option of leaving a little dangly bit at the top back. For girls legs and armpits will not be shaved.
7. There will be no tsuki, ni-toh or jodan. We will all practice chudan in peace.
8. "Kote", "men" and "do" will be replaced with "Hare", "Krishna" and "Rama".
9. The standard uchi-komi-geiko pattern will be:

Hare-Krishna, Hare-Krishna
Krishna-Krishna, Hare-Hare
Hare-Rama, Hare-Rama
Rama-Rama, Hare-Hare

and will be accompanied by the tabla and sitar mentioned earlier (and some tambourines played by the beginners)

10. Keiko will be very cheap, but you will be obligated to raise money for the club by practicing uchikomi-geiko in public places.

[satsumaruma]

How will you hold your shinai when you have those little bells on the end of your fingers?

[Mokujin77]

Actually, to concede a minor point, I have visited many places north of Watford and most have been quite pleasant (except Peterborough, that was shite!). I'm just bitter because I live in the "Garden of England" and every bugger seems to be paving over it! :mad:

[PhilMcLaughlin]

Actually, to concede a minor point, I have visited many places north of Watford and most have been quite pleasant (except Peterborough, that was shite!). I'm just bitter because I live in the "Garden of England" and every bugger seems to be paving over it! :mad:


I hail from the compost heap of the garden of england (Medway) & agree its becomming a paved over suburb of london :-( I even remember Hop picking as a kid

I also livd in t' north for about 20 years so am available for translation services (for a fee) should anyone need them !

as fer language, well SJP speaks a strange 'neck end' dialect which it tunrs out is more authentic english (Chaucerian) than almost all of the rest of us - bit of a bugger that, duck

[Mowvran]

[quote=D'Artagnan]
We all know that the north will prove to be the holy land of hardness!



Only in the North can you find a Sensei that when 4 people pass out during training says " i don't mind you passing out but when you regain consciousness you should be back in line"

[kartoffelngeist]

hehe, you copy/pasted 'consciousness'...

Anyway, you're all southerners to me...

[chidokan]

wait a minute.... your flag is SWISS... therefore you are a VERY southern poofter and would do kendo rules like these:

all bogu to be 190 metres thick (usually concrete) to absorb any accidental impact.
no weapons of any description, ESPECIALLY those nasty shinai things, to be used within 500 metres of another poofter.
If a shinai is accidentally picked up, it must be made out of foam, (preferably shaving foam...)
first one to cry real tears is the winner.
Your mother must be on hand in case you need a shoulder to cry on, and also to beg the opponent to leave her kid alone.
you must always bring a note to excuse you from training.
your dad must not be harder/bigger/better than his dad.

This is a summary of course of London rules kendo. It excludes sueing and libel actions....;)


when he regains conciousness? NOBODY regains conciousness in a Northern dojo..you would have been beaten to death on the floor for falling over!

[kartoffelngeist]

Yeah, but I'm not actually Swiss, just lived there.

You're all south of Aberdeen...

[Mokujin77]

This is a summary of course of London rules kendo. It excludes sueing and libel actions....;)


Hah! You're just jealous because you can't get the hang of kote-litigation-do suburi! :D

[Mowvran]

[quote
when he regains conciousness? NOBODY regains conciousness in a Northern dojo..you would have been beaten to death on the floor for falling over![/quote]

We did receive a flogging and no lard for a week and

[Mowvran]

Soz posted before I'd finished
I was going to add that I heard some of the more radical London dojos had started sparring with their feather dusters after dusting the dojo

[chidokan]

did they have a protective cover on the feathers? sounds dangerous for southerners...

I'm still puzzled with kartoffelngeist... is it really Swiss Tony in disguise?

[kartoffelngeist]

I'm not that puzzling, it's easy to work out who I am. In fact it's very much like making love to a beautiful woman.......;)

(Hoping I got the reference there and didn't just sound weird...)

Well I live in Geneva when I'm not studying up north, so I wanted to keep the flag. I think before I came here I had the Scottish flag and Geneva as the location, which would be more accurate...

[Mokujin77]

In fact, Kendo IS very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You put on protection, you get into the right position and give 'em a good seeing-to with your weapon! :wink:

[Fred27]

I think yer confusing "making love" with "screwing"...Where is the cuddling in Kendo? :p

[Awooga Guy]

Kendo is indeed like making love to a beautiful woman. You grasp your weapon, wave it around a bit and then hand over all your money...







That is all.

[Fred27]

hand over all your money...
.

Nah yer thinking of marrige...or hookers

[Awooga Guy]

Yakyakyak :)





That is all.

[crabbi]

In fact, Kendo IS very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You put on protection, you get into the right position and give 'em a good seeing-to with your weapon! :wink:


All talk chum... in practice most Kendoka just end up trying to hit on sweaty Men in the Dojo... weird ain't it...?

[kartoffelngeist]

All talk chum... in practice most Kendoka just end up trying to hit on sweaty Men in the Dojo... weird ain't it...?

fantastic...

[chidokan]

is that why Gibbo does kendo then? (referring to mens "fitness mag" thread...:D )