Balancing life and kendo

[Bailee]

I think this was discussed, but I'm not sure.

How do you other gals deal with balancing life (kids, school, work, etc...) with practicing kendo?

I love the exercise, practice, and the friendship I've gained. I would love to keep up activity with my kendo club, but I'm so swamped with school and work and life in general.

Sorry, I don't mean to unload here. I just wanted to know how other gals were dealing with a ful plate.

Thanks!

[Shikkari]

In my experience,RULE 1;
do as much kendo as you can manage, but never ever take long enough off so that you lose your hard skin on your feet or hands. Sure muscles do ache a bit if youve missed a lot of sessions, but not as much as replacing that hard won hard skin!
RULE 2;
Kendo is a psycologically energising activity. With regular practice I feel very confident, happy, stoked call it what you will- if I have to stop practice for a month because of work, i feel like some one has pulled my batteries out. Be careful- kendo positively influences your life more than you think- I think! So
dont be persuaded to let it go. Just cut-down your practice a little and increase when you can.
As my kendo sensei said to me- youve got the rest of your life with this sport!!

I know this doesnt take away all the real everyday chores/responsibilities but kendo should be your fresh air for the week!

Gambatte- fighto!!!!

[Anime12478]

Puts on female clothing...

I have a similar problem. I would love to go to each and every practice that Kendo offers to me here, but because of work, school and other things, I tend to have to skip more than I want to.

If I ever have to skip, I just have to bear with it. But then, who said that you have to be in your specific dojo to have a good practice? If you can manage, there's always suburi at home, practicing at the gym on your own time, and watching videos and such. So even if you can't go to the dojo, there are resources to keep you happy for the time being.

Takes off female clothing.

[Kenmei]

hmm...well i'm no girl...erm...i'm a guy...well...don't mind me!

How to balance life and Kendo? Well I'm a college student and I manage just fine. I practice 4-5 times a week, twice in a dojo for an hour, and then self practice in the gym between classes for about an hour. So far it hasn't been interrupting my study time and work time, although if I find that I have exams or a lot of work, I cut back on self practice.

All in all, to balance life and kendo it all depends on whatever works for you. Kendo isn't just what you learn and do in your dojo, it's also what you do outside and in life. If at any time you feel swamped with life (school, work, etc.), it's ok to take a step back and reduce the time you spend practicing. Also realize that you don't need to be in a dojo to practice kendo, you can self-practice at home or in the gym. What I do when I'm not physically practicing Kendo, I mentally focus my mind and think of what I need to improve, how to improve, and how to put it all together.

Well I hope everything works out and you find your own method of balancing life and kendo ;)

[Lucien]

When you want to go to practice, go.
When you don't want to go to practice, go anyway.

From a father, a husband, a colleague and a yondan who always find it difficult to go to kendo.

[The great I AM]

When you want to go to practice, go.
When you don't want to go to practice, go anyway.Perfect advice! I got a text yesterday from a friend who said he thought he was too tired to go to keiko, so I replied telling him he can still get tonnes from it, and that thats not the words of a champ! I think the second bit wound him up enough to try the first, and he said he had a great practise.

[nodachi]

I try to balance things by budgetting time to the things I have to do and the things I want to do. Obviously, the have to's get more influence, but there is a bare minimum requirement for how much kendo time there is. This way I don't neglect other things, but I am set to have at least some kendo each week. If I can do more one week or another, great, but at least I get my bare minimum. Some of us are going to be swamped and won't have much time for kendo, but as long as we can consistently practice at least a little, it is better than tons one week and none the next.

[akumalkenshi]

I rigorously schedule things and events around my practice days. I have missed great parties, and the chance to socialise more. but you'll never have the time, unless you make it happen.

[namabiru]

It's tough at times. I guess it comes down to how you prioritize things. As it's been said, kendo has a positive influence, so in my case kendo takes priority over a lot of other things. I schedule it like a commitment, not a hobby, so when someone starts off with 'when is a good time to...', I always immediately say 'not Tuesday or Thursday evenings, I have kendo'.

I also have an obligation to be at kendo, as rank brings responsibility. So I see it that way too. How can my kohai learn commitment and responsibility when their sempai doesn't turn up for practice?

It's rare that I can't make it--this week I couldn't, I'm at a conference now.

In terms of being in school, it depends what level you're at. I watch the undergraduates run around in the afternoon, playing frisbee or talking about whatever Greek party they went to the previous night, and I don't know how I was ever that free in college! Graduate level is a bit tougher to manage, I'm finding out. And I'm not even married/tied to someone.

[lucy]

For me the final exams of school are coming closer now, the pre-exams start next week, so I'm studying most of the time.
After school I want to go to uni, so I guess it will only get harder.

Nevertheless, kendo and iaido are things I never cancel, except on the rare occasions that i can't get the car or something REALLY important is taking place on wednesday or friday nights (hardly ever happens).
The time in the dojo is a time to tune out all problems/difficulties I may be having at the moment to just concentrate on practice.

I don't really have time for practice out of the dojo, though, because of the long time I spend at school every day and the various children I'm tutoring to earn some money... ;) (I "earned" my bogu that way... I ordered it on Saturday! :D )

I agree with shikkari on behalf of the "fresh air" keiko provides! :)

[hunnysan]

i only have practice once a week, because that's how my dojo's schedule goes. But I look at it more of having that 1 day to do something that i really love to do and to not have to stress about work/bills/ and life in general. And like someone else said, if i don't feel like going I GO only because i have more regrets at the end of night if i go to sleep and not have been able to practice. :)

[JByrd]

When Kendo and real life begin to clash, there is only one thing to do: Merge them. All that really means is admitting that our ability to progress in Kendo depends on our ability to manage and organize our lives.

It takes a lot of work and creativity and thinking ahead to get a handle on our life responsibilities. It takes self-discipline to cut out unnecessary things. As we exercise and improve those aspects of ourselves, we will note a corresponding improvement in our Kendo, which depends critically on those same qualities.

[GreenArrow]

Indeed, like everythng in life you have to prioritise and organise. In the summer I dropped out of kendo as my archery was getting better and required I concentrate hard on some basic form development for a while- otherwise I could not have maintained usual committments to job/family etc. Now, several months on, I am settling and have developed the basic form in archery and feel ready to pick up the Kendo up again.... although it will be only once a week for the while. One day no doubt it will fill a larger space in my life but for now, this is the space I have so I must be content to use it wisely.

Sometimes you cannot have it all at once in life, but you have to choose- maybe leave some of the cake until tomorrow, eh?

P.

[Inner_Silence]

personally
has been really hard to mix kendo and the rest of my life, becouse im a math student and university consumes most of my time, also im a musician and the guitar practice takes lots of time, specially now that i also have a girlfriend (situation that keeps me happy most of the time, but thats another story...)

to me time is a very precious thing (ok... now im on vacation, but still haha), somehow ive managed to be on good shape to most of the tournaments and stuff like that. i train 4 times at week, but think that when clases start again ill be missing one practice every week...

[Old Warrior]

I consider myself lucky. As an empty nester and an aging professional, time for kumdo is not an issue. I am even fortunate, in that the dojang is 12 minutes from home and there are classes 6 days a week. The only obstacle I face is my personal laziness. I decided that I WILL go 3 times a week, whether I feel like it - or not. The reality is, even when it is a chore to go - I always feel much better after class. It is part of my life; which also effects my approach to the entire art.

[Aries]

i think we need to look at it like a "diet"..uuggh dreaded word.. but
treat it more life a lifestyle change rather than just somthing thats picked up. Atleast thats what i've done.
I've arranged my schedule to include practice time, its almost like registering for another class that attendance counts for. Just imagine.. if you were to be graded on kendo like a UNI class, i'd be doing anyhting to get my grades up cause i know I'm probably not doing anyhting else right to pass. I'll take all the participation points I can get.

[Bailee]

When Kendo and real life begin to clash, there is only one thing to do: Merge them. All that really means is admitting that our ability to progress in Kendo depends on our ability to manage and organize our lives.

It takes a lot of work and creativity and thinking ahead to get a handle on our life responsibilities. It takes self-discipline to cut out unnecessary things. As we exercise and improve those aspects of ourselves, we will note a corresponding improvement in our Kendo, which depends critically on those same qualities.

I think this is a really great point. I make it to practice 3 out of 4 days a week due to work, but it feels like I get pressure from the other kendoka if I miss a practice to study for an exam or catch up on housework. I hope to be able to find this balance.

[BluishHue]

Bailee,

I can really understand where you are coming from! I feel like this is directed at me....grin... especially regarding the "pressure" that you experience from other kendoka. Many people here have said some really great things. It sounds like you do want to go to kendo, just that you have many other things to do as well.

First off. I have times when I have to miss a lot of kendo practice because of my career/job. I have been as "creative" as I can be, but I work VERY long days and can only go certain days of the week. I would love to be able to go to kendo as much as those who are in the college lifestyle and/or without husbands and/or kids... however, my job and my family are my first priority... without my job, um well, I would live in a cardboard box in the alley and without my family, I would probably WANT to live in a cardboard box in the alley! I go to kendo practice mostly often, but do have months in which I just have other very important priorities. I also know that I will probably never be that great at kendo because of my age, experience and OTHER priorities.

I do have to miss practice sometimes for frivoulous reasons i.e. my best friend and her family want to go to dinner w/ my family, another friend may need some girl time out after her mother died, my daughter really needs to be with me without me saying "oh, sorry, i guess we are really spending time together, but i really have to go to kendo .... again". If I totally wrote those things off, well, then MANY parts of my life would suffer.

BTW, I am the only person who does kendo in my family, so there is no ingrained understanding of the absolute importance of the kendo lifestyle. Many women kendoka (i know i am stereotyping) have family or husbands and/or kids who do kendo, so there is a greater appreciation of the "priority" we kendoka place on our practice in the home already. Perhaps it is worse to be in kendo and have gf/bf in kendo too because they may put too much pressure on you as well... grin (some other girl who has more experience in this should write about the trial and trib of hubby/bf guilt and the role they play keeping the household running, raising kids, being wifey AND dealing w/ bf/husband who is IN kendo too)

Remember that as women, our roles are much much different than those of men, (no flames i am not trying to say anything negative about male roles, just that they are different than females), without "mom" around for a few days, the house completely falls apart, appointments and events are missed, grades suffer because everyone is playing Wii instead of homework and for goodness sakes, if dinner isn't at least made 3-4 times a week the budget goes to hell & everyone gets fat. Without "wife" or "sweetheart" around hubby/bf start to wear dirty socks everyday, forget the garbage, getting fat from sitting around cause you are at kendo using your kia on someone else and most of all he is getting sad because you have now worked until 8-9 pm 4 days this week and the other 2 you were at kendo until 9 and then that other day you were cleaning up from the last 6 and didn't have time to love.

Try to stop allowing others to put guilt on you, we as women put enough guilt on ourselves and do not need more on our backs. You make the decision for yourself and try not to let the other kendo people bother you too much. Many many people that you practise with have no other life in Laramie but college. Yes, college is hard (been there, done that, got that life t-shirt) but the real world has many more pressures that they do not even have a clue about yet (i haven't earned the real life t-shirt yet). Remember if your "other" life falls apart, your kendo life will as well.

HOWEVER, I agree with the previous poster who said that kendo helps to ground her and that she feels as if a battery has been pulled if she is away from it too long. You may find yourself drained if you spend too much time away, regardless of the reason--for me, kendo is the revitalizer!!

I know this is long but... oh well, i refuse to feel guilty!

BluishHue;)

[BluishHue]

crud... now I am feeling guilty...I don't want anyone to think I am lazy and never go to practice because I am always out partying or vacuuming or that I am advocating not going to kendo--I am certainly not, however there can be too much commitment to anything (career, sport, children, hobby ect) which can be detrimental to growth.
I do go to kendo a lot but just think that sometimes it is best to nurture some relationships even when they might 'get in the way' and not fit into the ONE night a week I have completely free from work or kendo commitments. 1. if my kid doesn't get enough attention and respect now, I might have to visit her in jail or rehab or someother real downer and 2. if my husband feels as if kendo is an affair and ends up divorcing me, and then well, my kid might have to visit ME in jail or rehab...crud no kendo for me, unless I am REALLY creative.:silly: ...heheh

ok, i will finally shut up and go to bed before I continue to ramble

Good Luck Bailee!!

[Solinde]

Many women kendoka (i know i am stereotyping) have family or husbands and/or kids who do kendo, so there is a greater appreciation of the "priority" we kendoka place on our practice in the home already. Perhaps it is worse to be in kendo and have gf/bf in kendo too because they may put too much pressure on you as well... grin (some other girl who has more experience in this should write about the trial and trib of hubby/bf guilt and the role they play keeping the household running, raising kids, being wifey AND dealing w/ bf/husband who is IN kendo too)

I think you have a point here. As one of those with a kendo-bf I do agree that it makes things easier. I mean, when I go to practice I get to hang out with him at the same time. Very convenient. :wink:

Of course it helps that we don't have any kids, but I am confident that whenever we do, my bf will never let me use that as an excuse to quit training. I've seen many other women quit when they have kids, which I find kind of sad. With the right amount of fighting spirit and support from home, anything can be done, I suppose.

[GreenArrow]

A few thought on "Kendo lifestyle" and other pressures.

If the "Kendo lifestyle" ( and the values instilled are not practised outside the dojo, are we progressing in our development?

But how to reflect those values. For me it is about committments. Much as I like to do Kendo and also archery, my "big committments" must come first- to my husband, family, job, the community in which I live. These are my committments to society in general. If I put kendo (or any other activity in which I am involved) too high up my priority list such that I do not fulfil these other commitments, maybe I'm missing out fulfilling my wider contribution to society and those around me? How then can I be developing as a person if I put all my effort into one activity (be it kendo or something else) without also doing my part in other areas of life? Could that not be a little selfish?

BluishHue, I do agree that an over-committment to one activity can be detrimental to growth. As ever, it all depends on personal circumstances. The mother who is dedicated to bring up her children and looking after her family may actually be showing more "committment" and respect for others by attending one night training per week, compared to a person with no such committments who may attend three nights per week.

Maybe that's a controversial view, but maybe I have just learned a little patience and to flow with things rather than forcing them.... who knows.

JMO anyhow :D

P.

[ben]

There are two separate discussions here: how to go to kendo when you don't feel like it, and how to make sure you can fit kendo into your life whenother things have to take priority.

I took the OP to be asking the latter question. So I completely agree with GreenArrow's post above. No offence to those without children, but until you're a parent (or another kind of primary carer - of younger siblings, or ageing parents for instance) you don't know what it means to have no control over your own time. The upside is that if you are a primary carer, whenever you do get the chance to get to training, you never, ever drag your feet! But then again, every single minute of the day becomes precious, and you wonder how you spent so many hours doing nothing in the past.

This is my experience anyway.

b

[Inner_Silence]

I consider myself lucky. As an empty nester and an aging professional, time for kumdo is not an issue. I am even fortunate, in that the dojang is 12 minutes from home and there are classes 6 days a week. The only obstacle I face is my personal laziness. I decided that I WILL go 3 times a week, whether I feel like it - or not. The reality is, even when it is a chore to go - I always feel much better after class. It is part of my life; which also effects my approach to the entire art.

thats lucky
to me it takes 1/2 hour only to get to de dojo (not to mention about 10 mins walking and the time it takes to put the stuff in the backpack)
or to go to university, it takes me 20 mins walking and 40 minutes trip...

[kim]

As a full time mum with school age kids it can be hard to juggle family and kendo as much as I would like. I try not to miss lessons if possible, as it can be too easy to fall into I'm to "I'm busy mode." which is no good.It is especially important to go when i'm in a fat, stressed, or lazy mood as it is a real pick me up. Nothing like working my guts out to make the week go well .I also feel that when my arms or legs ache like the very devil, for some reason my waza picks up .

[BluishHue]

A few thought on "Kendo lifestyle" and other pressures.

BluishHue, I do agree that an over-committment to one activity can be detrimental to growth. As ever, it all depends on personal circumstances. The mother who is dedicated to bring up her children and looking after her family may actually be showing more "committment" and respect for others by attending one night training per week, compared to a person with no such committments who may attend three nights per week.

P.

GreenArrow,

WOW!

Thank you, I think that is exactly what I was trying to say and I am so glad that you have written it so eloquently! Perhaps this will touch Bailee as well . Maybe fellow kendoka with different lives will put some thought into this statement and give others in their dojos a little less critical judgement.

BH

[Bailee]

Thanks folks!

[yagyuu gal]

Having a husband who practices kendo is not necessarily a blessing. :down: Yes, he understands why I really want to practice, but he still resents that I am so happy about leaving the kids (with him, of course) while I practice. Right now, I am only practicing iai, kendo is on hold, and practices are rarely more than a few times/month! Yet he still will pick a fight and ruin my little iai high. It's not like I go out partying- I just want to practice! I live for those precious moments when I can escape and do my own thing. We really do need something of our own. After spending all day multi-tasking- dealing with kids, housework, schoolwork, jobs, all of it- kendo and/or iai can help maintain your sanity (not to mention confidence).

See, guys know their wife will stay with the kids while they go off to practice. We, however, are expected to 'not increase their work' i.e. let them stay home/watch kids, maybe even cook for them and get them to bed. I'm sure there are many enlightened men who would be so kind, but in the real world, it's our job if the kids are still small. In my ideal world, I would have 1 higher rank in both kendo and iai by now. And compete to my heart's content. Life does get in the way, but still keep practicing, even if it's only a fraction of what you used to do. We kendo moms with little kids may be few and far between, but you're not alone!:D

[ben]

Hi Yagyuu Gal, thanks for sharing your story. It's a really hard juggle I know. My wife recently wanted to start back at the gym after having our second, a little girl. We have had to sit down with the calendar and mark out who goes to what, when. It's hard for me to lose kendo committments from the calendar because things like being available for refereeing competitions or sitting on grading panels I can't get out of. So I have had to sacrifice pretty much all my personal kendo training so that she can have a few measly visits to the gym. This is fine, because I recognise that she still does the majority of the staying home with the kids. The upside is seeing her happier and more sane, as you described. It's so important for her to get out of the house on a regular basis. Not just for her but for me!

b

[Neil Gendzwill]

See, guys know their wife will stay with the kids while they go off to practice. We, however, are expected to 'not increase their work' i.e. let them stay home/watch kids, maybe even cook for them and get them to bed.Please don't lump us all in with your husband. My wife didn't have much aside from work and kids when our kids were small, but I really would have preferred that she had something she could do to get a break. That way, we both get a break and we both have to do some solo care, which is not such a bad thing. Now that our kids are a little older, she's taken up the fiddle and hitting the gym a lot, and more power to her.

[Ignatz]

...Right now, I am only practicing iai, kendo is on hold, and practices are rarely more than a few times/month! Yet he still will pick a fight and ruin my little iai high. . . .
Didn't you know this before you got married? Did he change after the kids or was he a bozo before?
Most people don't understand that kendo is a conversation and fewer people understand that marriage is one too and not a monologue.

[xvikingx]

Most people don't understand that kendo is a conversation and fewer people understand that marriage is one too and not a monologue.

I'm sorry I wasn't listening.

[babayaga]

I prioritize it -- perhaps too much. Yes, definitely too much, but I'm learning. I do give up other things for it, but budo (iaido and judo for me) is great exercise and it makes me feel good and good about myself. It's also my socializing time (where else can I discuss decapitation geysers?). I also have a responsibility to my family to exercise, because I have this stupid genetic high blood pressure.

I may be starting a new job soon which will have a negative impact some weeks on my budo studies. I hope it will teach me to have more patience and to prioritize things in a better way to meet the needs of both my family and myself. I will probably feel like blowing off iai or judo more often, at which point I'll just remind myself that no matter how much I don't want to make the trek to the dojo, I always feel great once I've warmed up. And as long as the kids are fed and the house is relatively clean, we're good.

[tilt]

I believe the Kendo gods are grateful for the times you can make it to sessions, and as Gibbo has stated - there is no excuse for not going when your hectic schedule allows you to. Times when you feel too tired, or too ill or not motivated (for me) usually turn into the most productive sessions after I have forced myself through the door.

[yagyuu gal]

Didn't you know this before you got married? Did he change after the kids or was he a bozo before?
Most people don't understand that kendo is a conversation and fewer people understand that marriage is one too and not a monologue.

Well, we met basically through kendo. Both practicing and loving it. Things changed when we moved to Japan and I had a baby. Big change. I made it clear that I never wanted to quit budo, but I was constantly sabotaged. Too much the independent American mom for Japanese society. I know there are many guys who wouldn't begrudge 2-3 hours once a week, but I happened to misjudge the sincerity of the, "Honey, I want you to practice!"

Well, I am a 4dan in iai now in spite of the roadblocks. I just resent that I no longer want to practice kendo b/c he would be there, too. Petty, huh? I envy the kendo couple that can continue practicing together. My competitive streak and his raw talent just don't match. Oh well, in a few more years I think I'll stop being a wuss and go back anyway!

Haven't met many kendo couples (still married and practice together). Any out there?

[Alison2805]

Well, we met basically through kendo. Both practicing and loving it. Things changed when we moved to Japan and I had a baby. Big change. I made it clear that I never wanted to quit budo, but I was constantly sabotaged. Too much the independent American mom for Japanese society. I know there are many guys who wouldn't begrudge 2-3 hours once a week, but I happened to misjudge the sincerity of the, "Honey, I want you to practice!"

Well, I am a 4dan in iai now in spite of the roadblocks. I just resent that I no longer want to practice kendo b/c he would be there, too. Petty, huh? I envy the kendo couple that can continue practicing together. My competitive streak and his raw talent just don't match. Oh well, in a few more years I think I'll stop being a wuss and go back anyway!

Haven't met many kendo couples (still married and practice together). Any out there?

oh goodness, you must have the patience of a saint. Id have smacked him over the head with a brick.

I watched a documentary not long ago about a girl who was a champion in karate in the middle east (cant remember which specific country). They followed her progress winning international tournaments and then how her family found her a husband who would "let" her compete. Then as soon as they were married, he forbade her to compete, and she only snuck out once to try. She was so demoralised by how bad she had become with lack of practise she never tried again. I was so upset to watch it.

I dont have a kendo boyfriend, but it must get hard to keep personal feelings and problems out of the dojo.

My boyfriend (and any future ones) know very clearly that I dont ask "permission" to do anything. If I do kendo, I DO KENDO. Im happy to compromise, but theres a big difference.

Why dont you go to a different dojo than him? That way you can practise on different nights too, which may help with looking after kids.

[ben]

Alison: I saw that doco too. It was very interesting. What a bastard her husband was. And her loving, supportive dad didn't turn out to be much chop either, did he?

Yagyugal: Your hubby's Japanese I take it?

b

[Alison2805]

Yeah, her father turned out to be just as bad. And her brother made my skin crawl. Uughhh.

Yagyuu gal, I hope you find some way to get back into doing things you love, while keeping a happy marriage. It sounds like a challenge.

[kim]

Having a husband who practices kendo is not necessarily a blessing. :down: Yes, he understands why I really want to practice, but he still resents that I am so happy about leaving the kids (with him, of course) while I practice. Right now, I am only practicing iai, kendo is on hold, and practices are rarely more than a few times/month! Yet he still will pick a fight and ruin my little iai high. It's not like I go out partying- I just want to practice! I live for those precious moments when I can escape and do my own thing. We really do need something of our own. After spending all day multi-tasking- dealing with kids, housework, schoolwork, jobs, all of it- kendo and/or iai can help maintain your sanity (not to mention confidence).

See, guys know their wife will stay with the kids while they go off to practice. We, however, are expected to 'not increase their work' i.e. let them stay home/watch kids, maybe even cook for them and get them to bed. I'm sure there are many enlightened men who would be so kind, but in the real world, it's our job if the kids are still small. In my ideal world, I would have 1 higher rank in both kendo and iai by now. And compete to my heart's content. Life does get in the way, but still keep practicing, even if it's only a fraction of what you used to do. We kendo moms with little kids may be few and far between, but you're not alone!:D

And i bet he never says "I dont want you to go out ." I had this for a while after I started martial arts My husband would try to pick a fight about ANYTHING. Dinner was not what he wanted. To hot,To cold couldn't find his socks, even nothing on TV.I soon realised that it wasn't about the kendo,it was about going out without him, leving him alone with the kids... In the end each time he started I would answer any moan with the response " And I'm still going to kendo!". Eventually he got the message. He dosn't bitch quite as much now. Its only taken 18 years...OH HUMMM...

[yagyuu gal]

Yes, I think our problems go way beyond kendo- it's a fight for control. We should be able to give and take, but he feels as though I take it for granted that he will watch the kids while I practice. I am not "grateful enough" for his cooperation. The fact of the matter is, I do control most of the household because I am THERE (stay-at-home mom, cook, clean, pay bills, do taxes, all the school help/teacher interaction, and 1 last class for MA degree:dead: ). So in effect, I control 'chuushin'. So by making me feel guilty for practicing, he takes that away where it hurts me personally. Luckily, I realized what was happening after only 8 years of marriage! Fixing old habits and patterns is a priority for both of us.

Girls- if your man resents your time away (I'm talking a reasonable amount of time, not 5-days a week...) for practice, read up on controlling spouses and emotional abuse. Knowledge is power. I also agree that you should still practice- don't enable the control. Somebody was saying 'kendo and marriage are a conversation'- I think that's a great way to explain it. I would like to add that marriage takes practice, too. If great iai sensei are still learning at age 80- what does that say about something as complicated as marriage....

[Old Warrior]

Yes, I think our problems go way beyond kendo- it's a fight for control....

After 25+ years of marriage, when all the kids have left the nest, these issues continue. Much of it has to do with ones ego and self esteem. My Wife doesn't work and has her days free to do what she wants. She thinks that since the evenings and weekends are time we can spend together, that going to Kumdo is competition for that time. My response is to say "get a job, do something productive, so that you will have a similar need to use some of this time for yourself". I believe that people who devote the majority of their life to the joint family effort, have no need to "beg" or "fight" for well deserved personal time. My advice is to stand firm for what you have earned. You live life once and you don't have to march to the beat of someone else's drum. Try and explain your feelings and then "just say no" and do what is healthy and brings you personal satisfaction. The issue of ones right to live "her life" is much larger than Kumdo.

[namabiru]

Wow... yeah, frankly it's important to have separate interests in a relationship, and have time apart. And it's not as though you are going to strip clubs or anything (unless kendo is the name of the strip club, or it's a euphamism or something...)--you're going out to exercise, and blow off stress. If he/she doesn't want to attend the occasional kendo club pissup, that's his/her choice.

eta--I meant more like 'attend kendo gatherings where everyone's invited to hang out', not just the pissups.

[Alison2805]

I remember a parter I had a while ago pulled me up on something - if he did the dishes or put out the washing, I would say "thankyou for helping me".

He would respond with "why the hell are you thanking me, if I was single Id have to do it. Im not helping you with YOUR job. Its mine too."

Thats what I call a logical point of view!

[SmellsLikeBogu]

I remember a parter I had a while ago pulled me up on something - if he did the dishes or put out the washing, I would say "thankyou for helping me".

He would respond with "why the hell are you thanking me, if I was single Id have to do it. Im not helping you with YOUR job. Its mine too."

Thats what I call a logical point of view!

sounds like a great guy :p what happened? :)

[Alison2805]

he was.... ummm... lacking in other areas..:rolleyes:

[SmellsLikeBogu]

and size doesnt matter :p right (uh-ow, is smut allowed in these remote parts of the forum?)

[kim]

[QUOTE=Alison2805;240228]I remember a parter I had a while ago pulled me up on something - if he did the dishes or put out the washing, I would say "thankyou for helping me".

My darling will do the washing up ie load or unload the dish washer if I nag hard enough.Then say "I've done the washing up for you." Bless....

[yagyuu gal]

Get this- the latest thing is that I should practice at home by myself if I really want to practice. To put that in perspective, we have a medium sized apartment, lots of stuff, a small garage, and no yard. Yet, "true iai isn't done in places with high ceilings or big areas..." I then listened as he explained the historical basis of iai.... Arg! And he wonders why I shut him out during these 'discussions'!!!!

[kim]

Get this- the latest thing is that I should practice at home by myself if I really want to practice. To put that in perspective, we have a medium sized apartment, lots of stuff, a small garage, and no yard. Yet, "true iai isn't done in places with high ceilings or big areas..." I then listened as he explained the historical basis of iai.... Arg! And he wonders why I shut him out during these 'discussions'!!!!

Ah husbands got to love em!!!:devious: Best rearrange the front room while he is out and then you could practice in front of the TV when the football,baseball,or nude women are on ...

[yagyuu gal]

I'd LOVE to just move the big ol' TV all the way out of the apartment!!! Then I'd have enough room. Anyway, have a (temporary) 1-night/week practice worked out. Finally! But I think I'll stick with only iai and let him keep up his kendo. Probably better that way...

Just curious- other kendo/iai ladies, what are your moms like? Did you start kendo as a way to rebel against your up-tight background?

[Alison2805]

yagyuu - its not like youre asking to go out and get pissed on cheap booze with the girls. Tell him to grow up. Hes being unreasonable.

Hey even better - get your sensei to talk to him about the benefits of doing iai in a dojo! :devious: he might think twice about arguing with HIM/HER!

As for mothers, mine was a nutcase. Few kangaroos short of a top paddock. But I started kendo when I was 25, so a bit late for the rebelling phase. I started kendo to do something different and to keep away from the "I can beat up anyone in a streetfight/ big dick contests" you get with other MAs. Ive loved it ever since.

[Alison2805]

My darling will do the washing up ie load or unload the dish washer if I nag hard enough.Then say "I've done the washing up for you." Bless....

Remind him how often he would have to do it if he was single. Its emptying a dishwasher for pete's sake, not raising the dead.

Something happened a little while ago that left me gobsmacked. I was away working in a small outback town, and I drove up to a servo and got out of the front of the 4WD. The guy that fills your tank took one look at me and swerved around to the passenger side to ask my (male) field assistant how much he wanted in the tank.

Obviously I can drive, but not know how much fuel to buy...

And dont get me started on the guys in hardware stores. Im usually wearing steelcaps, covered in dirt, with a big company logo on my shirt - I dont need to be asked if Ive ever used a hacksaw before!!!!!! Of course I bloody have!!!! And I dont need to be congratulated by workmates every time I dig a hole. :mad:


This happens all the time in the places I travel to. Ive never been feminist or whatever, but if one more guy treats me like a retarded child that needs everything explained slowly because Im female, Ill lose it.

[Manslayer]

Haven't met many kendo couples (still married and practice together). Any out there?

We're not married yet (it's in the works, though), but my boyfriend and I practice kendo together and we love it so much. Practice is our special time every week and we basically plan our lives around the fact that we have practice twice a week. He brought me to the dojo one day and I fell in love! That was about 2 and a half years ago and I have been loving every minute of every practice since. He is very supportive but he does joke sometimes about the fact that I may be loving kendo more than I do him!

[kim]

Remind him how often he would have to do it if he was single. Its emptying a dishwasher for pete's sake, not raising the dead.

Oh don't you worry about that... He soon realised it wasn't one of his better chat up lines.

[ReKru]

Remind him how often he would have to do it if he was single.

Never? Once a year? :laugh:

Reminding guys of what they would do if they'd still be single is never a good idea ... ;)
Pizza comes in those handy boxes that don't need to be washed before you throw them away. And if beer was meant to be drunk from anything but a bottle, god would not have invented such a perfect container! :D
You girls never know how much we really give up just because of you and your 'proper' and 'clean' and 'hygienic' and ... 'HEALTHY' :dog:


Its emptying a dishwasher for pete's sake, not raising the dead.


Yea.. raising the dead is kinda simple once you have the hang of it. Those dishwashers on the other hand are weapons of mass destruction!

[kim]

You girls never know how much we really give up just because of you and your 'proper' and 'clean' and 'hygienic' and ... 'HEALTHY'

Ah yes I remember his batchelor pad. Mugs with their own ecosytems.socks not sticking to the wall when thrown, still wearable. Dinner was whatever came out of a chip shop.. No wonder he got down on his knees to propose.:laugh:

[ReKru]

Ah yes I remember his batchelor pad. Mugs with their own ecosytems.socks not sticking to the wall when thrown, still wearable. Dinner was whatever came out of a chip shop ..
.. and noone that bothered ... heaven.
Stop these depictive descriptions, you bring tears to my eyes :cry:



No wonder he got down on his knees to propose.:laugh:

Another fallen angel, mercylessly dragged out of paradise :ko:

[JByrd]

Haven't met many kendo couples (still married and practice together). Any out there?

Sure. Sensei Curtis Marsten and Sensei Vicky Marsten, and Sensei Dick Anderson and Sensei Teresa Anderson, immediately come to mind. My wife and I both practice. Another husband and wife are among our club's core group. I understand they are planning to give each other new kote for their anniversary. (I can never remember which anniversary is the kote anniversary... sixth? seventh?)

[DCPan]

Sure. Sensei Curtis Marsten and Sensei Vicky Marsten, and Sensei Dick Anderson and Sensei Teresa Anderson, immediately come to mind. My wife and I both practice. Another husband and wife are among our club's core group. I understand they are planning to give each other new kote for their anniversary. (I can never remember which anniversary is the kote anniversary... sixth? seventh?)

Shikai sensei(s) of Chuo in SCKF.

Tew sensei(s) of Covina in SCKF.

Tabuchi sensei and his wife Tsvia of Covina in SCKF.

etc etc etc

[h2o]

Sure. Sensei Curtis Marsten and Sensei Vicky Marsten, and Sensei Dick Anderson and Sensei Teresa Anderson, immediately come to mind. My wife and I both practice. Another husband and wife are among our club's core group. I understand they are planning to give each other new kote for their anniversary. (I can never remember which anniversary is the kote anniversary... sixth? seventh?)
Not married, but our club has three couples (four if you count one in the beginners class) of which two has been together at least 4 years (I am part in one of the couples, together for 7 years this summer).

I know of at least one couple of higher graded kendoka in other clubs...

[Alison2805]

Never? Once a year? :laugh:

Reminding guys of what they would do if they'd still be single is never a good idea ... ;)
Pizza comes in those handy boxes that don't need to be washed before you throw them away. And if beer was meant to be drunk from anything but a bottle, god would not have invented such a perfect container! :D
You girls never know how much we really give up just because of you and your 'proper' and 'clean' and 'hygienic' and ... 'HEALTHY' :dog:



Yea.. raising the dead is kinda simple once you have the hang of it. Those dishwashers on the other hand are weapons of mass destruction!

Ah well it cant hurt.

It look sas though I was having a rough day yesterday, very grrr. :eek:

[Jundokan]

Haven't met many kendo couples (still married and practice together). Any out there?

My wife and I have been studying Kendo since May of last year. There are 2 other couples in the Dojo as well (that I know of).

Our life is backwards compared to everyone else, time at the dojo and training comes before trivial things like housework, jobs, families ;p

We've been married 7 years and met through martial arts though (she's been studying Karate & Ju Jutsu for 16-17 years and I've been studying Karate & Ju Jutsu (as well as any other art I can get my hands on, I'm addicted to all things martial) for ~25 years.

[Alison2805]

its so great to hear that couples can make it work!

[Mokujin77]

Reading this thread (and especially her contributions to it), I can begin to understand why Kim beats the living snot out of us every week! :dead:

[kim]

Reading this thread (and especially her contributions to it), I can begin to understand why Kim beats the living snot out of us every week! :dead:

Ahhhhhh... Therapy Tony. Therapy.

[qtug]

Well, we met basically through kendo. Both practicing and loving it. Things changed when we moved to Japan and I had a baby. Big change. I made it clear that I never wanted to quit budo, but I was constantly sabotaged. Too much the independent American mom for Japanese society. I know there are many guys who wouldn't begrudge 2-3 hours once a week, but I happened to misjudge the sincerity of the, "Honey, I want you to practice!"

Well, I am a 4dan in iai now in spite of the roadblocks. I just resent that I no longer want to practice kendo b/c he would be there, too. Petty, huh? I envy the kendo couple that can continue practicing together. My competitive streak and his raw talent just don't match. Oh well, in a few more years I think I'll stop being a wuss and go back anyway!

Haven't met many kendo couples (still married and practice together). Any out there?

How old are your kids? could you take them to practice with you?

My parents both started kendo together in college and they've been together for about 30 years now. In between they both had to give up kendo for awhile to raise me and my brother, and once we were both old enough, we started kendo together as a family. I've learned kendo for 14 years now, and still love going to practices with my parents. Every competition is a family event, where we video tape and cheer for each other. We watch kendo videos together, and there's always a topic to talk about at the dinner table.
Growing up in such a fortunate kendo environment, I keep hoping that I can have a similar lifestyle with my future family. Though finding a good kendo match seems difficult. And I guess a big factor in why this worked out was that both me and my brother really enjoyed practicing kendo. We would take turns encouraging our parents to take us to more practices, and would tell my mom how much it means to us if she could leave her work and go to practice with us.