So boring that need some jokes

[LNGUYEN]

Here is first one:

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.



As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."



The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."



Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"



Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in! the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.



Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old"



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[Raiza]

That was good. :)
Any others?

[lwegerich]

Good one, need more, pls.

Here's one I like:

What were Princess Diana's last words?

"Oh Dodi, I want it hard, I want it against the wall and I want it now!"

;)

[Tato]

That was good. :)
Any others?

Yea, what sounds does an electron when falling from a table...

..."PLANK"

Sorry, It was stronger than I.

:wink:

[Neil Gendzwill]

An American is golfing at St. Andrews. He lines up his tee shot, takes a mighty swing and knocks the ball sideways. As he's placing a second ball on the tee, he turns to his Scottish playing partner and says "so, what do they call a Mulligan in Scotland"?

"Lying three".

[Sir Percy]

Good one, need more, pls.

Here's one I like:

What were Princess Diana's last words?

"Oh Dodi, I want it hard, I want it against the wall and I want it now!"

;)


OK, What were Elvis' last words?














Oh, Corn!

[nollaig]

An Irish guy called Murphy, invents the best roofing nails in the world ever!
but he needs to advertise
so he goes to an English Marketing firm
they come up with an ad and have it transmitted on Prime Time Irish television

it goes like this......

Jesus Christ is on the Cross
and the caption reads
"They used Murphy's Nails"

Needless to say Murphy goes MAD
"you have to change it I'll be killed!!!!!"

so the English Firm say "OK we will"

next week Murphy and glued to the TV waiting for his ad

so next you see is Jesus Christ running down the hill away from the cross
and a Roman soldier chasing him and the captions reads............................................. .............................



wait for it................................................ ..





"they Should have used Murphy's Nails"

[Phlebas]

OK... here's mine:


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews and testing were done there
were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. " I know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun in shaky hands and went into the room. All was quiet for a few minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes and said, "I just can't kill my own wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Go home. You're not the right man for this job."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Immediately shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, everything went quiet inside. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman drenched in sweat, breathless and exhausted. She wiped her brow on her torn sleeve and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."

:)

[Raiza]

Not really a joke, but it's cute. Behold, the White Screen of Death! (http://www.thispagecannotbedisplayed.com/)

[LNGUYEN]

Not really a joke, but it's cute. Behold, the White Screen of Death! (http://www.thispagecannotbedisplayed.com/)


That is very funny Raiza because, I can't see anything. Can't open the page

[Paburo]

That is very funny Raiza because, I can't see anything. Can't open the page

that page is indeed funny, do read carefully my friend. who has the link to that other bush-irak fake 404 page btw?

p.s. tato, dont bring such shame to our dojos name with your dirty jokes, we generally have a good sense of humour there, now dont we :D :D :D

[Neil Gendzwill]

that page is indeed funny, do read carefully my friend. who has the link to that other bush-irak fake 404 page btw?
No need to link, just Google for "weapons of mass destruction" and the top entry will be this (http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/).

[LNGUYEN]

Now, I got it, funny indeed. Sorry Raiza. how about this picture
[IMG]

[Kiki]

"They used Murphy's Nails..."
Now that's funny and we are all going to hell for reading it. hehehe

On a bad day I always log on to
www.engrish.com
for a good laugh

[jmarsten]

A Canadian hockey player goes into the hardware store in Moose Jaw and see's a chain saw advertised to cut 10 cords of wood a day. So he buys it, the next day he comes back into the store and complains to the manager. I worked my hind end off and it would only cut 6 cords. The manager says oh really? Let me see. He starts up the chain saw. Canadian Hockey Player "whats that sound"? eh Neil!

[AlexM]

Biblical joke warning!


Even today, many people write le number seven with a line through it.

In more modern times this practice has become less prelevant. You'll notice that the "7" displayed here has no line through it.

But do you know why that line through the "7" has persisted until this day? One must look back on biblical times to fully understand why there was a line through the "7" until very recently.

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets on which the 10 Commandements had been written he began to read them out to his fellow Israelites in a loud voice.

Moses got to reading the seventh commandement in a booming voice: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife!"

Several voices in the crowd yelled back: "Cross out the 7! Cross out the 7!"

[sjp]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[KhawMengLee]

A farmer is riding around his station(note: Aussie joke) and he comes across a pink any blue polka dot snake. Jumping off his horse he grabs his shotgun and takes aim at the snake.

"Wait! Stop!!" Cries the snake.

"WTF!?!" Says the farmer.

"I'm a magic snake," said the reptile, noticing the shottie was still pointing at
him he added, "If you spare me, I'll grant you three wishes."

"Magic snake?!?" says the farmer, "Prove it?!?"

"Well, I'm talking aren't I?" says the snake.

"Well, that makes sense....hmnnn, three wishes eh?"

"yup"

So the farmer thinks a bit and finally comes to a decision.

"Firstly, I want the good looks of Brad Pitt."

"Done, when you wake up tommorow your wish will be granted!" says the snake.

"Secondly, I want the physique of Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"Righto, tommorow It'll be granted!"

"And lastly," he says with a sly grin, "I want the sexual equipment of me horse back there."

The snake looks at the horse and raises an approving eyebrow.

"No, problem! Same time tommorow."

So the farmer goes home. Has his dinner. Goes to sleep.

When he awakens, he heads to the bathroom and nearly has a coronery 'cause there staring back at him from his mirror is Brad Pitts face!

"Christ! The little bugger was telling the truth!"

Next he flexes his muscles and marvels at the buff physique he has. He then remembers the most important bit and with a huge grin opens his boxers and looks in. The grin fades as he screams out,

"****!!! I was riding the god damn mare!!!"

[Anjin-san]

You've been doing Kendo too long when, someone asks

What's your favourite position?

And you reply...


chudan

[xvikingx]

A broken down man at a bar is drinking heavily. Bartender asks "What's got you down friend?"
The Man replies," I have got money troubles you couldn't begin to imagine."
"Is that so?", says the Bartender" Well your in luck. I got three modest tasks that need to be done. If you take care of them for me I'll reward you handsomely."
"Oh yeah!",exclaims the man "Like what?"
"First: that big mean bastard over there has been nothing but trouble. Go give him a beating and throw him out. After that I have got a Pitbull out back with a sore tooth, that needs to be pulled. And lastly, well this may sound strange but there is old woman up stairs who needs a good f%$king. You let her have it and we are straight. How about it?"
Eagerly the man accepts the offer and a couple of rounds later he sets off for his first task. After a nasty fight he returns victorious.
"Hey thanks mate",and the bartender rewards him with a few more drinks. Now the man is totally hammered, but he picks himself up and goes out back where the pittbull is.
A half hour passes and there has been quite a ruckus. The man stumbles in bloody and his clothes are tattered. He sits down, signals for another drink, and asks,"Alright where's the old bat that needs her tooth pulled?"

[aru-ma]

Two drunk fighter pilots are flying in formation.
Leader to wingman: "Can you see me?"
wingman to Leader: "No.""Can you see ME?"
Leader to wingman: "No."
wingman to Leader: "Cool, now we are stealth fighters."

[lwegerich]

A broken down man at a bar is drinking heavily. (stuff deleted)

Great one, still lmao. Reminds me on another pittbull joke.

Q: "What do you do when a pittbull is humping your leg?"
A: "Give 'em a blow job."

;)

[xvikingx]

Great one, still lmao. Reminds me on another pittbull joke.

Q: "What do you do when a pittbull is humping your leg?"
A: "Give 'em a blow job."

;)

HAH! Thats so wrong :tongue:

[LNGUYEN]

The Priest & His Cock

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in
the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about
ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and because the
priest had
heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his
parishioners about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, No, " he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[xvikingx]

A preist was taking a stroll through country side near one day. Suddenly he was overcome by a sinking feeling and urgently had to sh*t. So he snuck into a farmers field and lifted his robe to do his business.
The farmer, who was gutting a pig at the time, noticed the priest and decided to play a little trick on him. He picked up a hand full of guts and snuck over to the sh*tting priest and placed them quietly under him.
The next day the farmer was returning home from the tavern when he ran into the priest.
"Oh! Father <insert name>, nice to see you. How are you?",says the farmer.

The priest replies," WHy hello! Actually I feeling quite well though I had quite a scare the other day. I was walking out near your farm when all of a sudden I had to go to the bathroom very badly. So I snuck into a field and did my business. I looked down and..well... I sh*t my guts outs."

"Oh really!" snickers the farmer, "Whatever did you do?"

"Well, with the help of the good lord and a pointy stick, I got the them back up where they belong."

[Kiki]

Feel free to swap the gender to meet your preference...

Five Secrets To A Perfect Relationship:

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[aru-ma]

A woman sat in a coffee shop when she overheard a conversation, the first person asked "so how did you go yesterday?" his friend replied "ok I guess, but I can't seem to do men properly", this caught the lady's ears even more, "yeah, you alwas have problems with men don't you, you're problem with men is that you don't put much into it, you're not pushing it enough, that and you have to put more commitment to every men you do" To this the lady was shocked, however she was even more shocked when she heard "I had 6 men yesterday, although I didn't think the last one was very good". Unable to hold it anymore the lady stood up and said "forgive me for asking, but are you gay?"

[Paul Kerr]

OK - the ZANSHIN joke....

2 guys are walking down the street. One of them walks into a bar.......

:cool2:

[Noe]

Ever here the one about the butter and toast?? Well, I better not tell you. You might spread it!! Get it? Butter and toast? Spread? Oh yeah.

[hobbit]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a telephone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment....

Then Mother Superior sighed and said,
"You missed the ***king putt, didn't you ?"

[xvikingx]

Then Mother Superior sighed and said,
"You missed the ***king putt, didn't you ?"

Hehehehe... :laugh:

[tsuba_man]

the murphy's nails was a good one...

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again

[LNGUYEN]

Wan to gain Marketing Knowledge.... here is a chance...

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You'e at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich.Marry him." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich.Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich." That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback

[Neil Gendzwill]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and then said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the pilings needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask. Please ask for something else."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

[LNGUYEN]

Well, I actually saw another version. Here it is:

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled
upon a bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a
Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting
with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lady,be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of
years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.
I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be
done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I've never been able to find the right man.
You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
house cleaning,
is great in bed and gets along with my family,
doesn't watch sports all
the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ..
a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and
said,"Let me see that fuckin' map again."

[Chook]

A new teacher has just assembled her new kindergarten class.

"Now children, first rul of my classroom is NO BABY WORDS. You're all grown-up now, so let's act like it."

She turns to the first child. "What did you do on the weekend?"

"I went to the farm and saw moo cows."

"MOO COWS! NO! NO BABY TALK! Cows, ok?" THe child runs off crying. Next child - "What did YOU do?"

"I stayed at home and played with the doggy."

The teacher is mortified. "DOG! IT'S DOG! NO BABY WORDS!"

She turns to little Johnny. "What did you do this weekend?"

"I read my new book."

"Excellent! Class, pay attention. This is how you should be talking. Now, what book were you reading?"

"Winnie The Shit"