Shrine of the Mall Ninja

[Tsunemori]

Halloes,

A brief introduction: I'm just a small Kendo beginner in Perth, Western Australia. I've been lurking this place for a bit and it's been very educating. I've only done Kendo for about 7-8 months, so I'm still a complete newbie.

Anyway, the "Flames" section really amuses me, and I thought I'd share this site I found a few days ago.

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

Basically it's a documentation of "Gecko45", an online persona who posts in forums talking about his job as a superhero, the epitome of a BS artist. It's a very long read, so skim around if you will, but do read the bolded bits. They're hilarious. Here are some quotes:


I am the Sergeant of a three-man Rapid Tactical Force at one of America’s largest indoor retail shopping areas.

I am not permitted to carry Glocks on duty; however, when my wife picks me up from work I strap on the “Deadly Duo” of a 27 and 23, each with Bar-Sto .357 bbl.I am writing a proposal to replace our current Mossberg-Smith armament with the following:
3) MP5K-PDW with red-dot sights;
2) G36 rifles using SS109 rounds;
3) Glock practical tacticles in .357 Sig
1) PSG-1 using Fed Gold Medal .308
1) Starlight scope for the PSG-1 in case we lose power in the building.
3) Glock 27 backup guns
3) Kahr P-9 holdouts
Do keep in mind this guy claims to be a MALL SECURITY OFFICER. Guarding malls.


We meet at the range every night and shoot 400 rounds each through weapons that closely resemble our duty setup. We also practice unarmed combat. I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls.


We were previuosly restricted to .38’s and two Mossberg 500’s with less leathel rounds in them, but when our team saved the life and possibly the virginity of the Mayor’s nephew, there was a special relaxation of the rules made for us


I have personally saved the ass-virginity of several young boys in my days. But there are many brave men like myself out there who risk their lives daily, so that boys like yourself can live a normal heterosexual life.

Hope you'll enjoy your reading :)

Also, some random videos for the lols.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awGpWzJVgMA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49fVYmO3yv0

P.S. I am in no way am trying to be disrespectful of the proper ninjutsu art etc, like many of us I just like to make fun of the "McDojo" people. I hope no one will feel offended by this post.

Thanks,
-T.

[ScottUK]

I am in awe. Saving ass-virginity using uber-high-powered sniper rifles. This guy is a genius.

The Glock 21 rules. 27s and 23s are downright gay.

[JoDuncan]

I hope plenty of ninjers will be offended by your post; they bloody deserve it for taking themselves so seriously.
.... and for being dickheads


Welcome to the KWF and thanks for the chuckle.

[corwyn]

Remind me not to go to that mall. Since when do "unruly shoppers" pack the kind of weaponry to require that sort of preparation by mall security? :D

[samurai80]

How does this guy know when to protect "ass-virginity"? Do they put a light in the sky like Batman has, except its a hard-on and butt-cheeks?

Saving one kids' butt from certain doom is comendable, but being at the right place, at the right time to save SEVERAL bootys...thats uncomfortable.

Glock PRACTICAL TACTICALS? He's a poet, and he didn't even know it.

What possible reason would you need any real firearm for at the mall? Unless, its the Dawn of the Dead mall. "Hey, two fourteen-year-old boys just stole embarrassingly tiny shirts from Abercrombie & Fitch!" "Don't worry mall employee. I'll take care of this." CHICK-CHICK....BOOM!!! (Later that night on the news) "Two fourteen-year-old boys lay dead today, after a brave, mall security guard thwarted their attempt to steal overpriced t-shirts... with a Mossberg. An autopsy revealed the boys were still ass-virgins at the time of their death. Local police thanked the security guard, and said they wished more security guards would arm themselves for a small war."

When his wife picks him up from the mall? Maybe if he didn't spend all his money firing 400 rounds every night, and buying tabi boots, and purchasing over eleven types of guns (with laser sights, and scopes...for those hard to reach places in the mall) he could afford a car, or at least a moped (with rocket launchers on the sides).

+rep to Tsunemori

[Owen]

wow. that was hilarious.

[Decado]

Hey! Don't mock Glock45! We could do with him at the local shopping centre - Merry Hill here in the West Midlands.

Whenever I go there I am in constant danger of being mown down by little old ladies careering around at 2 miles an hour in their mobility scooters. They need taking out and a full mag from a Glock would seem the best solution. The world would surely be a safer place.

Go, Glock45, go! Preferably back to your own planet.

PS Do you reckon he knows (or maybe is) Sharp Phil?

[samurai80]

After reading more of the website, I noticed this guy has a constant theme...ass-rape. He's not so much concerned with wether or not people at the mall get shot, just wether or not the customers, or himself get ass-raped. Actually, he doesn't even mention protecting females, or protecting them from "regular" rape. He pretty much wants to make sure that no man is ass-traumatized. Ass-tounding.

[Decado]

After reading more of the website, I noticed this guy has a constant theme...ass-rape. He's not so much concerned with wether or not people at the mall get shot, just wether or not the customers, or himself get ass-raped. Actually, he doesn't even mention protecting females, or protecting them from "regular" rape. He pretty much wants to make sure that no man is ass-traumatized. Ass-tounding.

Repressed homosexual! He doesn't want to admit it to himself. Perhaps is he got laid (either way or even both ways!) he might grow up. Sad guy!

[Decado]

After reading more of the website, I noticed this guy has a constant theme...ass-rape. He's not so much concerned with wether or not people at the mall get shot, just wether or not the customers, or himself get ass-raped. Actually, he doesn't even mention protecting females, or protecting them from "regular" rape. He pretty much wants to make sure that no man is ass-traumatized. Ass-tounding.

Actually, an ass here means an animal. Hmmmm! Surely he means the American meaning. Hee-haw :eek:

[corwyn]

After reading more of the website, I noticed this guy has a constant theme...ass-rape. He's not so much concerned with wether or not people at the mall get shot, just wether or not the customers, or himself get ass-raped. Actually, he doesn't even mention protecting females, or protecting them from "regular" rape. He pretty much wants to make sure that no man is ass-traumatized. Ass-tounding.

I guess he does his job ass-iduously?

"Why did you shoot him?"
"He was ass-king for it"

He's protecting innocent shoppers from weapons of ass destruction?

Just before shooting them, I guess he says, "Ass-ta la vista, baby!"

Ok, ok, I'll stop... :laugh:

[samurai80]

PS Do you reckon he knows (or maybe is) Sharp Phil?

I don't think so. Sharp Phil actually has better typing skills, and he's way more into using swords than this guy. Sharp Phil also believes himself to be somewhat of an expert, or a professional. I hate to say it, but Phil is more "mature" than this Mall Ninja.

Corwyn- Don't ass-ume you need to stop. Be ass-ertive. If no-one likes your jokes, keep going...thats what I would do. Don't stop even when they ass-k you to. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to my own jokes, I'm a little bi-assed, BUTT hey...I think I'm pretty funny.

[corwyn]

Would you be bum-med if I didn't continue?

[samurai80]

You're actin' like a real ass-virgin right now.

[corwyn]

You're actin' like a real ass-virgin right now.

I'm glad for that. I'd like to stay an ass-virgin for my entire life, thanks. :D

[samurai80]

I wanted to be an ass-virgin, but there weren't any security guards around for my prostate exam.

[corwyn]

I wanted to be an ass-virgin, but there weren't any security guards around for my prostate exam.

Alright, TMI...you just drained all the humor out of it :p

[Gessho]

Is it possible that this guy is pulling everyone's leg? I mean there is no way that any mall or commercial outlet would let him walk around with weapons like that! I have to think he was posting like this for fun and getting people's reactions.

Either way, though, it is hilarious!

[Gessho]

Btw, I couldn't help myself. His quote about becoming a ninja master was priceless and I added it to my signature..just too rich to pass up!

[absenteekendoka]

I was initially ok with the low cost of the mall prostate exam, and it seemed to be going well till I realized both his hands were on my shoulders. :)




Sorry, had to provide the 'yuck' factor. Maybe he's actually a 'pirate' ;) just a very specific type. LOL!

[absenteekendoka]

Perhaps he's seen 'Dawn of the Dead' one toooo many times, and is just preparing to hold off hordes of ass raping zombies...........hmmm, I smell movie.... :)

[ghostdancer]

Any of you seen Hot Shots Part Deux, the bit I am thinking is wear Charlie Sheen is tooling up Commando style, the arnie film not butt necked
and just falls on his face. priceless

too much gear to move

[absenteekendoka]

..."We have a tactical situation near the gumball machines!! I need a sniper!!!!!!!!" :)

[absenteekendoka]

Actually funny because I know people almost that crazy. Had a friend in the reserves here, kind of like the national guard in the US. He was a gun nut too, so he was great to hang out with sometimes.This goes back about 16 17 years now. Annnyhow, they had a farm, and he invited me to go out ground hog hunting....its a redneck pursuit that usually involves drinking beer on some hillbillys porch and wacking groundhogs in a nearby field from a distance. (Yah I know....beer and guns....you'd think it was Texas or something..) :) I get there, , old single shot rifle in hand with a peep sight..........he comes out of his house allll decked out from head to toe in camo gear webbing andface painted up like he was in country somewhere....toting a chinese made SKS he'd modified to auto (Not terribly legal even then...)....looks a lot like an AK47....anyhow, I'm waiting to have a few beers on the porch and he goes tearing off into the field....goes prone and leopard crawls under a fence. Thats when he let the poor old ground hog have it.........emptying a full 30 round magazine at the poor creature......dust flying all around this poor thing as it still was looking around to see where all the debris were coming from....all I could think was "Caddyshack" and Bill Murray tring desperately to annilihate that gopher........

Sooooo thirty rounds later and after all the dust settles...thers the ground hog....stilllll looking around. I actually fell down I was laughing so hard.......

And just a quick note....he's still one of the brave souls defending Canada:)

[corwyn]

I was initially ok with the low cost of the mall prostate exam, and it seemed to be going well till I realized both his hands were on my shoulders. :)




Sorry, had to provide the 'yuck' factor. Maybe he's actually a 'pirate' ;) just a very specific type. LOL!

:eek::eek::eek:

[Manuka]

Actually, an ass here means an animal. Hmmmm! Surely he means the American meaning. Hee-haw :eek:

Yeah, your favorite whodunit authors write of "Arse-nick and old lace"


Is it possible that this guy is pulling everyone's leg? I mean there is no way that any mall or commercial outlet would let him walk around with weapons like that! I have to think he was posting like this for fun and getting people's reactions.

Either way, though, it is hilarious!

Unfortunately it is possible he is not.
I did find a downy cheeked youth in a rent-a-cop outfit at an East Coast supermarket a few years ago - complete with 15 shot 9mm on his hip, yes it was real.
At his age I seriously doubt he had developed sufficient skill to be shooting in a store full of women and kids.
Did not last long - there were a few complaints.

Idiots are out there.

[Decado]

Btw, I couldn't help myself. His quote about becoming a ninja master was priceless and I added it to my signature..just too rich to pass up!

Re your brand new signature. Ninja! Laid! Surely you wouldn't see a ninja cumming?

[samurai80]

Re your brand new signature. Ninja! Laid! Surely you wouldn't see a ninja cumming?

Not from behind.

[Decado]

[quote=Gessho;314546]Is it possible that this guy is pulling everyone's leg? quote]

He is certainly pulling something! Probably his own todger (does that translate?).

[Decado]

Not from behind.

Well, bugger me! :eek:

(not an instruction or an invitation I hasten to add)!

And certainly not something that Gecko45 advocates. Or does he?

[corwyn]

[quote=Gessho;314546]Is it possible that this guy is pulling everyone's leg? quote]

He is certainly pulling something! Probably his own todger (does that translate?).

It doesn't, but we can figure it out from context. :D

[samurai80]

Anything followed by "pulling his own..." equals penis. Heh...penis. Easily a top 10 funniest word.

1. Poop (also acceptable is poopies, poops, and doo-doo balls)
2. Scrotum (also acceptable is scrots, and sac)
3. Balls
4. Babies
5. Nipples (also acceptable is nips, and nippies)
6. Breasts (also acceptable is breasteses, and jugs)
7. Penis
8. Delicious
9. Nugget
10. Snicker