any one else train with their wife?

[CTHULHU187]

Hello,

I am new to kendo 3mo. My wife and I started kendo as something to do together. We drive 1hr each way to practice 2 time a week, which has not discouraged me in the least (my wife hates the drive). I would like to hear some advice from any one who trains with their partners. Not to toot my own horn but I have a natural tendancy to pick physical activities quickly. Problem is my wife is a bit clumsy. I am worried that if I advance quicker than she does she might become discouraged. I have learned already not to give her any advice (bad idea), but i wonder if anyone has some ideas on how help me help her improve without discouraging her, or put plainly, pissing her off. I would hate for her to give up on kendo.

thanks, Logan

[Nishi]

My wife and I started kendo together a several years ago. I do pick up physical activity quicker than her as well. My advice..."never give advice". The husband is always fair game for a verbal lashing, you may have a shinai as a weapon, but they have sex, man, we are virtually unarmed!

Supportive training was my answer, if i didnt have anything nice to say...I didnt say anything at all, then I looked for the good and made efforts to encourage her. Then after a couple of years she was commenting on my kendo and now and then, whips my A$$.

Good training, (IMO) will develop good kendo, so your a quick starter, and she will get there later rather than sooner, but she'll get there...so I would encourage her, and enjoy her company, and let the instructor handle the teaching advice. Ultimatley we are lucky to have our partners join us in such an awsome activity!

[Swissv2]

My honest opinion is to let her develop on her own. It'll be better for your marriage to have something that both of you share and enjoy rather than you taking the "advisor" role. Leave the instruction to the sensei and practice with her in a way that is a learning experience for the both of you.

Don't sweat the small stuff; she won't get everything right away. First focus on the basic kamae and waza. Keep the fundementals basic and dont try to make her perfect. Remember, even though the physical advancement may be different, the mental process will definately be pretty much on the same level!

These things will come in slow progression, but rewarding for both of you.

[Migoto]

Nishi is a smart dude. He hits the nail on the head with that one.

[Anime12478]

I hope my future significant other will be as interested in Kendo as I am. If not, then I hope she at least supports the activity.

[Kyros Nighle]

aw...well i cant give much of an advice here, im a student, and as surprising as it sounds many girls (at least in my case) tend to reject martial arts,

what i mean is,: that evrything is going alright, but the moment they hear about me being a martial artist, well erm.....they tend to put some distance, like if i were some weird guy who could break things with the mind, in another lvl of conciousness or something,:confused2
i dont know, most people ive known have predjuices about martial arts, and they tend to expect crazy things that only happen on movies from the practicioners, i mean, i get on the bus with my karategi, and i can almost smell they fear out of people (its very uncounfterble to be treated like a robot that can go berserk any moment and kill someone:confused2 , nobody looks at you (or they do, but they try to look as if they didnt) evrybody speaks gruffly, etc etc etc *shivers* ug that kind of stuff).

so i got a little of track with this, but my point was that most girls ive known dont accept karate, or kendo as an activity, so let alone asking them to join me in the practice of it. so ye.........i wouldnt know :beard:

[Fenix]

i mean, i get on the bus with my karategi, and i can almost smell they fear out of people
I know what you mean, i always get weird looks from people when i have my shinai

[D'Artagnan]

Myself and my long-term partner (Akasha on this forum) started training together. Thing was i picked it up a bit quicker than she did, mainly as at first i was more dedicated. I definately feel that at the stage you are at, giving her advice is a bad idea. You have to be really careful not to sound like you are being patronising etc. However, as me old mate Nishi said she'll get there eventually.There may come a time when you can advise her and she appreciates it. I am now at the stage where my partner seeks my advice, and values, and enjoys learning from me.

There is nothing better thab having a relationship where you both pursue Kendo, I have seen too many kendoka being hindered by unsupportive partners. I know and appreciate that whatever i do in Kendo, my partner will be there to support me, AND have an interest in what i am doing. It's great!!!

Maybe Akasha could post and give her side of things (infact i'll call her now).

Andy Fisher
DSKYK Preston
Great Britain

[GMason]

I'm on the other side of the coin with this one.... where our lass (My Girlfriend) is alot better than me at Kendo (and slightly crazy !!!! if you don't believe me ask Nishi or D'a). I've been practicing about four years and she has been practicing about 7 years now.

I can totally understand the don't give any advise aproach. But as I said from the other side. She often tells me what I am doing wrong, and as it is me she doesn't exactly sugar the pill if you know what I mean, and boy does it put my back up........ We have had a couple of heated discussions about it.

The best bit of advice I can give is don't got to practice after you have had an argument....... It is not a plesant experience....... :hurt: especially if you girlfriend is alot better than you.

But on the flip side, we won the National Kata Taikai together, which was a really good feeling. We Came First and Second in the last National Jodo Takai..... so there definatly up sides to it.

[D'Artagnan]

The best bit of advice I can give is don't got to practice after you have had an argument....... It is not a plesant experience.......



AGREED!!!!!!!!!! :eek:

[Hinokuni]

Definitely with Nishi on this one.

I gave advice to my wife once on her kendo and learned from my mistake.

I have been doing kendo for longer than my wife, but I often ask her for advice because she knows me very well and can point out weaknesses/strengths in approach or attitude. I.e. not just the technical side of things.

The best thing is that if I want to practice something at home/go to a shiai she is sympathetic.

The worst thing is the gloating when she gets a decent point.

I read this excellent quote about the secret of being a strong kendo player "Get along with your wife". Visit this site for a brilliant explanation of the quote: http://www.st.rim.or.jp/~shimano/doujo/eng/okuden_e.html

[Akasha]

Well, D'Artagnan did pick it up a lot faster than I, left me way behind.

He learnt the hard way about giving advice! I strongly suggest you don't or be extremely careful in giving advice. All that does is re-enforce that your 'better' than her, she doesn't want constant (even once = constant) reminding.

I was jealous, as at first I felt I tried just as hard and didn't get as far as him. I did start to feel sorry for myself and resent him a little.

I could see he only wanted to help but I was too proud to listen and didn’t want to. My dedication to Kendo did start to slip. Try to talk about others in the dojo and experiences you had when training with them - not b*tch necessarily - but who you find hard to work with, who you like working with, who you both find helpful and try NOT to get onto talking about each other specifically. This puts you on a more even level as it matters not who is 'better' you will still both be able to relate to it.

*You could point out how you see, have learnt, noticed, very carefully, how men and women SEEM to 'do' kendo differently in the beginning*. How now you may be physically more able but she may be picking up the metal aspect quicker. Therefore you will start to even out.

*Note* - never TELL her they do, suggest, ask opinion, you THINK or have LEARNT, or PERHAPS, as if she came up with the idea or thought of it herself. If she doesn't bite and it starts going wrong I suggest you just drop it.

A time will also come when she does want and seek your advice but she has to get to a certain level for herself, in state of mind and kendo.

Now I use him as my personal trainer! I like to kick his ass more than anyone’s, I can't all the time but he brings out more in me because I want to so much and it's great for both of us and I learn a lot, (using his own dirty tricks on him, helps). Now I like fencing him more than anyone and I want advice from him after the fence.

Also bare in mind for the future, the rules are different for you both – she can gloat about good points you can humbly enjoy them.


Best of luck - remember she is always right, even when she knows she's wrong.

[D'Artagnan]

[color=black] she doesn't want constant (even once = constant) reminding.


FINALLY!! a confessioin! :laugh:

[Akasha]

I would just like to add that the better he now does the harder I push to close the gap.

He has just been asked to train with the British squad - very jealous - very even more determined to kick butt!

We will conquer the world together! - eventually.

[maxalex]

What if your wife hates kendo? She keeps saying that I choose kendo instead of spending quality time with the family. How would you handle something like that?

[Andoru]

What if your wife hates kendo? She keeps saying that I choose kendo instead of spending quality time with the family. How would you handle something like that?


There's a thread on this. Do a search - it's worth it. ;)

[Andoru]

Best of luck - remember she is always right, even when she knows she's wrong.

Bahahahahahahahahhaha!

[Tholon]

I train with my children. Two of them anyway. Since I used to train Kendo in my late teens, I just might be a bit better.

But the advice "Don't give advices" is very valid! Leave that to the Sensei!
On the other hand it's a good thing to ask for their advice.

And yes - It is difficult to hit them hard. I am a softie. (And if I don't kick their asses now, perhaps they will be kind to me later...)

[taganahan]

aw...well i cant give much of an advice here, im a student, and as surprising as it sounds many girls (at least in my case) tend to reject martial arts,

i have to agree with this one on some point. i know some women or even men that when i talk about kendo, they seem to be very precatious of me. and they also stereotype martial artists as very serious people. i myself am not that serious, but i can be serious at the right time especially in kendo.

at the same time there are also people who can understand people who are martial artists. i still remember my job interview, when i place that i was a member of a kendo club, he asked me during the interview...."so you're doing kendo, isn't that some kind of japanese fencing?". i was surprised to hear this from him so i decided to tell him more about it and even invited him to watch a practice. really makes you think that there are people who really appreciate people who are martial artists.

[CTHULHU187]

I did state that I allready had learned not to give advice...this is not good (bad logan...LOL)
I think what D'artagnan said about being more dedicated at the begining is the hardest thing for me. I have a tendancy to take things more serious and I watch her and she looses interest (A.D.D. NOT REALLY)after an hour or so. It gets kindof frustrating. I just want her to get good, and its not for mysake but for her's, whether she is concious of it or not I think she would be happy and she would gain alot if she sticks with it. She has never done anything like this.
Thanks for all of the insight.
Logan

[Kyros Nighle]

.....or dont you hate the commentaries people do when they found out about you being a martial artist, (this happened when i was a kid, some years ago:rolleyes: , i dont get this %&/$ anymore but i remember it cause i hated it so much)

and people wanting to make themselves appear funny and fear-free, and start poking at you with weird questions like: " so i better be cautious with you, less that you kill me or something, har har har,! (that made me to really want to kill them).

or when they start trowing fake punches at you, intended to poke less than bash, like if i were a caged lion or something, (i was tempted to size the hand and tug to take out the arm from its place:ogre: ).
and i had to remember myself over and over again that that was the least good-like solution (though it seemed the best at that time):wink:

[Akasha]

I think what D'artagnan said about being more dedicated at the begining is the hardest thing for me. I just want her to get good, and its not for mysake but for her's, whether she is concious of it or not I think she would be happy and she would gain alot if she sticks with it. She has never done anything like this. LoganThis was almost exactly our situation.

I'd just like to add from my experience (although this is fairly obvious) that if you push her she may go the other way, I did, and almost stopped attending. I too used to get tired and bored (because I found it difficult) and clock watch after about an hour.

It was when I got to the stage of thinking of giving up that I thought more about why I was going to Kendo, was I going for D'Artagnan, to watch him go far and be successful or myself. We like to 'look after' our blokes and if they fly off doing great and leaving us behind it puts are noses out of joint. But for me I just started thinking about my own kendo and stopped worrying about his.

Now we're at the stage where we can have a good fence together neither overly dominating the other we enjoy it together again and now we can worry about each others Kendo.

Anyways Cheerio

[Hyaku]

My wife gave up at school. They told she was not studying subjects enough and if she put as much effort into studies as she did Kendo she would go far. Academicaly she did do well but never went back to practice apart from sit and watch.

[Nishi]

I'm on the other side of the coin with this one.... where our lass (My Girlfriend) is alot better than me at Kendo (and slightly crazy !!!! if you don't believe me ask Nishi or D'a).

Yep!! She is complete nut! Also a very nice lady.

[Atama]

The trick is to give advice when your asked, coz although they say 'the male ego is very fragile' they also say 'hell hath no fury like a womans scorn'. Try to give advice but delicatley its like walking on egg shells, as my lovely husband (nishi) said you may find yourself on the end of a verbal lashing from time to time. Don't worry about your wifes progress my husband was a quick learner too but I got there eventually and so far we have both graded at the same time and we have both always passed.

the other good thing about traing with your significant other is that you get to hit them .....legally.....who needs oprah and dr.phil when you got kendo. :smiley:


Lisa

[hyuna]

I do not train with my wife but I worked with her in the same company, same building, same office, same position, and even the same cube for about 6 years. I learned some things during that period.

My wife and I are different people with different skills and different perspectives. Many things I am good at, she is bad at, and many things I am bad at, she is good at. With that in mind, don't only look at the ways you can help her improve; also look at the ways she can help you improve. Kendo is not, after all, a purely physical thing. If you only view her as your inferior, you will seem patronizing and arrogant, whether you try to give her advice or not. By viewing her as a peer, you two can be partners. The value of this shouldn't come as too great a surprise since mutual respect is a cornerstone to any solid relationship.

The way for anyone to succeed is to keep trying and doing one's best, not simply to be good or to progress at some particular rate. So it may be more important to simply be supportive and encouraging than trying to help her improve her form. Her form will improve by itself as she practices and receives instruction from the teachers. The thing that will torpedo her practice is insecurity, not clumsiness. Your learning from her strengths will keep her self-confidence from waning and will help her understand that practice is not pointless or valueless.

Something to emphasize is that I am not talking about finding things to complement her on. That is just as patronizing as always trying to show her what is wrong with her form. Saying that someone has good X is just empty words. Trying to learn from them is action and proof. So I do not mean to simply find something nice to say, I mean to respect her individual strengths honestly. Help her understand her strengths and help her develop them, and allow her to do the same for you (recognizing that they may not be the strengths you think you have). Then, you two can grow together.

At least, this is what worked for me in the professional environment.