All about Chuck (Norris)

[#2 mouse]

:silly:Just can't stop laughing at this damn email. Here it comes again.... Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Additional Chuck Norris Facts Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal. 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Marbles 'N' Gravel. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a Roundhouse kick to the face. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

There's more where that came from too!

[piggy]

Dont forget how Chuck Norris can divide by zero and also, Chuck Norris counted to infinity...twice.

[drizzt]

oh no, yall foudn that to.....


my roommate has been wuoting that site all week.......

[mystic_kendoka]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

heres the proper link, btw theres pages 2 and 3 for more laughing pleasure ;)




# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

# Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

[d33m4n]

http://www.youtube.com/w/Young-Chuck-Norris---SNL?v=NBSpNPzVsMM

check this for chuck norris !! hahahaha

chuck for president !!!

[Rohr]

Hooooooly crap I can't stop crying. I have heard most of those but some of them are pretty new to me ^^!

[Neil Gendzwill]

Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer (http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty) does not feel like carrying you.

[Moe-Swordsaint!]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!! it reached u too!!!!???

ok u may not beleive this but my cousin (in egypt) and his pals wrote some of that (some from sites :P) and sent it to a few friends and posted it on some forums (along with other jokes on celebrities similar to this LMAO) and now it reached here AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D

[d33m4n]

hahaha yeah it is WAY funny, like the chuck ones best, there is allso Mr. T and Vin Diesel

"crop circle's are Vin's way of saying that sometimes corn just has to lie the fuck down"

[Mr. T.]

hahaha yeah it is WAY funny, like the chuck ones best, there is allso Mr. T and Vin Diesel

"crop circle's are Vin's way of saying that sometimes corn just has to lie the fuck down"

Ohh, how nice. You like me :laugh:

[Rurouni Kenshin]

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.


Love those..

[#2 mouse]

I would have posted more of the list but the maximum post size is only something like 10000 characters.

That's less than a quarter of the total list.

[d33m4n]

new fact's are added daily, but we get the idea ;)

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php

this is kind of a generator, enjoy !!

[IronMonkey]

You can get shirts too: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

[nodachi]

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

I can't get enough of these!!! :) :) :) :)

[Paikea]

Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer (http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty) does not feel like carrying you.Amen to that. Why hasn't he shot that stupid daughter of his yet?

[Mugu]

Chuck Norris responded...

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx

[KhawMengLee]

Chuck Norris is a pussy compared to Mas Oyama.

[joekc6nlx]

Chuck Norris responded...

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx

I found his response to be quite "tongue-in-cheek", and he's taking the ribbing with good grace.

Interesting thought: Who was that blond guy that got the bejeezus kicked out of him by Bruce Lee in 'Enter the Dragon'? Or was it that Bruce and he "switched roles"?

[Neil Gendzwill]

Interesting thought: Who was that blond guy that got the bejeezus kicked out of him by Bruce Lee in 'Enter the Dragon'? Or was it that Bruce and he "switched roles"?
It was Chuck. That would have been an interesting fight for real - movie actor vs competitive kickboxer. Hmmmm....

[Lloromannic]

I found his response to be quite "tongue-in-cheek", and he's taking the ribbing with good grace.

Interesting thought: Who was that blond guy that got the bejeezus kicked out of him by Bruce Lee in 'Enter the Dragon'? Or was it that Bruce and he "switched roles"?

That's Chuck, but remember that it's a movie and unlike that list, it is a work of fiction. Chuck was just being nice to Bruce. He is so great.

[d33m4n]

all your base are belong to us hahahaha

[Twobitmage]

That's Chuck, but remember that it's a movie and unlike that list, it is a work of fiction. Chuck was just being nice to Bruce. He is so great.

you seem to be joking, but chuck is actually a several time karate champion. And despite everyone seeming to worship bruce, there is a strong body of evidence that he wasnt cut out to be the master everyone thinks he is.

[Rurouni Kenshin]

you seem to be joking, but chuck is actually a several time karate champion. And despite everyone seeming to worship bruce, there is a strong body of evidence that he wasnt cut out to be the master everyone thinks he is.

You actually have a small point there; you cant ignore the fact that he 'made up' his own style based on his previous experience, and brought this to the west. From Chinese point of view he had the 1st McDojo here.... :)

[Lloromannic]

you seem to be joking, but chuck is actually a several time karate champion. And despite everyone seeming to worship bruce, there is a strong body of evidence that he wasnt cut out to be the master everyone thinks he is.

Eh, I was just saying that Chuck is so great that in the interests of the movie he let himself be beaten by Bruce.

[Twobitmage]

Eh, I was just saying that Chuck is so great that in the interests of the movie he let himself be beaten by Bruce.

I understand what you were doing, I just wanted to point out that you inadvertantly said something truthful...that chuck is actually a more reputable fighter than bruce.

[d33m4n]

Chuck Norris didn't have to go to law school to be a lawyer because he is the law.

[Lloromannic]

Amen to that. Why hasn't he shot that stupid daughter of his yet?


Because you'd lose the 15 year old male demographic

[Paikea]

Because you'd lose the 15 year old male demographicOK, I may have noticed she does wonders for a tube top.

[Ignatz]

I have not watched TV for 10-11 years and my nephew gave me DVD of Alias for x-mass. Last night at my neighbor's house I was treated to two episodes of Jack Bauer.
My question, could the skinny girl with the pillow lips in Alias out run Jack Bauer?
My neighbors, who say you have to drink a beer everytime she runs, think that she could and they are hard core Jack Bauer fans.

[ahmed61086]

Chuck norrus was never a more reputable fighter than bruce. Ha. Thats a joke. Chuck would tell you himself that bruce would bust him up.

BTW, that "small amount of evidence, that he wasnt that good", that evidence probably came out of somebodys ass. Yeh, it was bullshit. Take that small amount of evidence then put it next to all the other evidence that he was a real fighter, more than a movie star, and youll see whats true.

Also, if the chinese perceptions were that he had the first Mcdojo, it was only because they didnt want him teaching kung fu to foreingers. So basically, their view was a racist one.

Stop hating on Bruce. Its funny how, nowadays everyone likes to try and refute what is true, just for the sake of refuting. Bruce was a very good martial artist, maybe not a master, but he was good. Dont hate.

[Lloromannic]

Chuck norrus was never a more reputable fighter than bruce. Ha. Thats a joke. Chuck would tell you himself that bruce would bust him up.

BTW, that "small amount of evidence, that he wasnt that good", that evidence probably came out of somebodys ass. Yeh, it was bullshit. Take that small amount of evidence then put it next to all the other evidence that he was a real fighter, more than a movie star, and youll see whats true.

Also, if the chinese perceptions were that he had the first Mcdojo, it was only because they didnt want him teaching kung fu to foreingers. So basically, their view was a racist one.

Stop hating on Bruce. Its funny how, nowadays everyone likes to try and refute what is true, just for the sake of refuting. Bruce was a very good martial artist, maybe not a master, but he was good. Dont hate.

BUt Bruce can't divide by zero, can he ?

[Twobitmage]

actually there is alot of evidence..but I wont even go there.

check this out

Indiana Jones Cant Stop the rock (http://jonesrock.ytmnd.com/)
Chuck Norris Can't Stop the Rock (http://chucknorriscantstoptherock.ytmnd.com/)

[sakanasama]

chuck norris once roundhouse kicked bruce lee, breaking him in half, the result was jet li and jackie chan