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  • Things said in court

    I' ve just been sent this from a friend

    Plaese enjoy ( and no I am not having a go at the Legal Profession - although they often deserve it)

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
    >>>>>and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
    >>>>>down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
    >>>>>staying calm while
    >>>>>these exchanges were actually taking place.
    >>>>>
    >>>>>.........................................
    >>>>> Q: Are you sexually active?
    >>>>> A: No, I just lie there.
    >>>>> ---------------------------------
    >>>>> Q: What is your date of birth?
    >>>>>
    >>>>>A: July 15th
    >>>>> Q: What year
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: Every year.
    >>>>>
    >>>>>
    >>>>> ----------------------------------------------
    >>>>> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    >>>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    >>>>> A: Yes.
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    >>>>> A: I forget.
    >>>>> Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that
    >>>>>you've forgotten? A:mmmmmmmmm
    >>>>>------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>>--
    >>>>> --
    >>>>> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    >>>>> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    >>>>>Q: How long has he lived with you?
    >>>>> A: Forty-five years.
    >>>>>
    >>>>>----------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
    >>>>>woke up that morning?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: He said, "Where am I. Doris?"
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: And why did that upset you?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: My name is Susan.
    >>>>>
    >>>>> -------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
    >>>>>voodoo or the occult?
    >>>>> A: We both do.
    >>>>> Q: Voodoo? A: We do.
    >>>>> Q: You do?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: Yes, voodoo.
    >>>>>
    >>>>>
    >>>>> ----------------------------------
    >>>>> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    >>>>>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    >>>>>----------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>> ----
    >>>>> --------------------------
    >>>>> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: He's twenty
    >>>>> --------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    >>>>>------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>>---
    >>>>> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: Yes.
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    >>>>>------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: She had three children, right?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: Yes.
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: How many were boys?
    >>>>> A: None.
    >>>>> Q: Were there any girls?
    >>>>> ----------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    >>>>> A: By death.
    >>>>> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    >>>>> ______________________________________
    >>>>> Q: Can you describe the individual?
    >>>>> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    >>>>> Q: Was this a male or a female?
    >>>>>______________________________________
    >>>>> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    >>>>>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    >>>>> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    >>>>>------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>>------
    >>>>> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
    >>>>>people?
    >>>>> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    >>>>>--------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
    >>>>>to?
    >>>>> A: Oral.
    >>>>> ______________________________________
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    >>>>> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    >>>>> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    >>>>> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
    >>>>>an autopsy.
    >>>>>----------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> ______________________________________
    >>>>>
    >>>>> AND TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
    >>>>>a pulse?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: No.
    >>>>>
    >>>>> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: No.
    >>>>>
    >>>>>Q: Did you check for breathing?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: No.
    >>>>> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    >>>>>began the autopsy?
    >>>>> A: No.
    >>>>> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    >>>>> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    >>>>> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    >>>>>
    >>>>> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    >>>>>practicing law somewhere.


  • #2
    hahaha... and those people are lawyers? I should have studied law instead of environmental science. It pays better and you don't need a brain.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Comment


    • #3
      Very funny one ^^,

      Comment


      • #4
        Well I thought so but judging by the amount of people who have read or responded to this I guess either we are in the minority OR every one else in the Kendo/Iaido/Jodo world is a lawyer.

        Comment


        • #5
          I've seen them before but they definitely get my nod of approval

          Comment


          • #6
            Maybe everyone is waitng for me to weigh in. I hate lawyers. I hate the fact that I can't wear my sword and cut them to pieces when they do stuff that annoys me. I used to go to the office and leave when somebody pissed me off. When I retired I wasn't making it past 10:00 a.m.

            So, you have all heard of the Philadelphia lawyer. The city is chock full of them.
            Across the river is the State of New Jersey which is filled with toxic waste.

            Why did Philadelphia get all of the lawyers?

            Because New Jersey got first choice.

            Comment


            • #7
              Here is another good one.

              Comment


              • #8
                Another fine example of the government at work.

                Comment


                • #9
                  criminalized using an "interactive computer service" to cause someone "substantial emotional harm."
                  So are we safe from the trolls? We need to tell FBI about trolls like swordteacher99, Yowai and so forth... they sure cost us lots of "substantial emotional harm"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mugu
                    So are we safe from the trolls? We need to tell FBI about trolls like swordteacher99, Yowai and so forth... they sure cost us lots of "substantial emotional harm"
                    Mugu, your quote is the law that was not passed. The law that was passed says:
                    "Whoever...utilizes any device or software that can be used to originate telecommunications or other types of communications that are transmitted, in whole or in part, by the Internet... without disclosing his identity and with intent to annoy, abuse, threaten, or harass any person...who receives the communications...shall be fined under title 18 or imprisoned not more than two years, or both."

                    Under this law, if you post that "so and so is a poopy head" and give him bad reputaion points you may run afoul of the law.

                    I can see it now, the Internet Police break into your house in the middle of the night and drag you and your spouse out into the yard at gunpoint. "You are charged with violation of Title 18 of the U.S. code in that you have called so and so a poopy head on the KW forum. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."
                    "But, but, he is a poopy head!"
                    "That may be so sir but you are not being charged with libel or slander and truth is not a defense."

                    Crap like this is almost enough to make me want to come out of retirement. The really sad part of it is that Sen. Spector was involved with it and he is chairman of the Judiciary Committee and definitely knows better. "Intent to annoy", what a bunch of hooey. Almost everybody annoys me but the damned first amendment gives them that right. Damn constitution.
                    All kidding aside, the "without disclosing your identity" is the key provision. If you don't disclose your identity how do they know it is you? They can trace it back to your IP but isn't that disclosing your identity? Ah, stupid, stupid, stupid.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      So let me get this right,

                      all you American users on this Forum who go by pseudonyms rather than your real names can be prosecuted under your own laws if you slag anyone off.

                      Wheareas the rest of the planet are free to mock, goad, annoy at will all you Americans and you cannot retaliate.

                      there is a God.

                      Singalong now;

                      Happy days are here again,
                      The sky is bright and clear again,
                      So Sing a song of cheer again
                      happy days are here again


                      I am joking of course; that is one crappy law and I for one will not take advantage (and of course I have not got my fingers crossed when I write this )

                      Lee

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Just for the record

                        to all you sphincter police types who take things WAY too seriously; that was a little light hearted teasing to kindred spirits whom I feel have just been given a bit of a tossy law. As is the way of things in England we meet such adversity head-on in our usual stiff upper lip style - or as we put it in New Tony speak......

                        We like to take the piss to make you all feel better

                        Chins up guys 'n gals. Bush is bad but we got Blair( now dontcha feel better)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by satsumaruma
                          Wheareas the rest of the planet are free to mock, goad, annoy at will all you Americans and you cannot retaliate.
                          Negative Lee,
                          By using the telephone lines and the internet to "mock, goad, annoy at will all you Americans" and especially if you "slag someone off" (which really sounds dirty) you have made yourself amenible to the jurisdiction of the U.S. and can, and in the case of any country that does not support our actions, will be prosecuted. We will seek extradition under the rules of the ICJ in the Hague and perhaps even send in Jack Bauer to bring you to justice.

                          P.S. we are taking steps to cull out the buttheads on this side of the pond
                          Last edited by Ignatz; 1st February 2006, 06:07 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            D'you know what,

                            there is always someone who enjoys stopping others having fun?

                            I had my list half written......sigh

                            Lee

                            How about a teensy weensy little taunt? Will that avoid being Jack Bauer'd? (whatever he/she/that is)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Ignatz
                              Negative Lee,
                              By using the telephone lines and the internet to "mock, goad, annoy at will all you Americans" and especially if you "slag someone off" (which really sounds dirty) you have made yourself amenible to the jurisdiction of the U.S. and can, and in the case of any country that does not support our actions, will be prosecuted. We will seek extradition under the rules of the ICJ in the Hague and perhaps even send in Jack Bauer to bring you to justice.

                              P.S. we are taking steps to cull out the buttheads on this side of the pond
                              Is that a threat???? I smell a mclitige.

                              Comment

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