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  • Haha no. Not a massive sick joke fan but will check it out.

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    • THE NUN
      A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local bar.
      The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once
      in a while all the lights would go out.

      Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

      When the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

      She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

      The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a
      statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig leaf.

      "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way." said the nun.

      So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

      After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
      just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

      She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
      they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

      "Well, now they know you're one of us." said the bartender.
      "Would you like a drink? It's on the house."

      "No, thank you. But, I still don't understand." said the puzzled nun.

      "Well, sister," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the
      figleaf on that statue in the restroom, all the lights go out. Now,
      how about that drink?"

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      • Being that it's supposed to be the end of the world today, I thought this thing I found on Facebook would be appropriate:

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        • It was only a matter of time......





          The DNA of Bin Laden has come back as 24% cocoa, 52% coconut, 18% sugar and 6% milk.

          Experts say this is probably due to the Bounty on his head.




          Starbucks are issuing a limited edition “Bin Latte” coffee – a dark bodied, frothy head with 2 shots in it.




          When the Americans threw Bin Laden in the sea they put him in a West Ham shirt to help him sink to the bottom quicker.




          Elton John is to release a tribute song – Sandles in the Bin.




          I bet Bin Laden wished he hadn’t filled in that bloody Census form now !

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          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3htU3NTqMQs&sns=em

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            • ALERTS TO THREATS, IN 2011 EUROPE....... BY JOHN CLEESE

              The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and
              have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
              though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
              Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
              tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
              "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody
              Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


              The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
              Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
              used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


              The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
              level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
              "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
              destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
              military capability.


              Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
              "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
              Operations" and "Change Sides."


              The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
              "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
              "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."


              Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
              are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .


              The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
              beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
              really good look at the old Spanish navy.


              Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
              "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think
              we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So
              far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


              -- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.

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              • That's not by Cleese. Snopes discussion.

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                • Originally posted by Neil Gendzwill View Post
                  That's not by Cleese. Snopes discussion.
                  Didn't think it was for certain, but I got it in an email and just copied and pasted onto here. Made me smile.

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                  • George Lucas Strikes Back

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                    • Robert was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
                      The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby"

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                      • Life, not a joke:

                        We are practicing kendo with my 7yr old son Arthur and very often we have an assistant: Arthur's 2yr old sister Hanna. Hanna likes kendo very much.

                        On a Sunday my wife took Hanna to a church and inside they stayed in the back in a place for parents with kids, while Hanna was walking around. During the mass there was a quiet moment, when priest was saying his things, finishing with lauder "A-MEN!". Suddenly, without any hesitation, Hanna charged through the church towards the altar, screaming "MEEEN! MEEEN!", doing men-uchi with proper ki-tai-itchi, clearly imitating her brother. She was caught halfway by my wife. I bet nobody in the church knew what the heck it was she was doing.

                        Greg

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                        • I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.

                          I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.

                          I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to have sex with the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a crap on the floor and urinate everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink c*ck.

                          Let's see Crimewatch f*cking stage a reconstruction of that.

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                          • A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

                            Mother: "What does the cow say?"

                            Child: "Moo!"

                            Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

                            Child: "Meow."

                            Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

                            And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

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                            • Mr Ando of the Woods

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                              • A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his
                                face.
                                "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"
                                "What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
                                "You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and
                                bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a
                                dead horse?"

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