Joke of the Day

[satsumaruma]

After having a very nice 69 with his partner Brian remembered that he had a Denatl appointment later that day.

Afraid that the Dentist would notice the smell of Vadge on his breath, he brushed his teeth, flossed and even used the listerine that his wife used.

As he arrived at the dentist he was still worried so he sucked on an extra strong mint to help ease the braeth smell.

He was aclled into the surgery and sat in the chair as instructed. He was feeling confident and quite relaxed.

The dentist got close and asked " Did you have a 60 before you came here today?"

Brian was aghast and said "how...how did you know? Does my breath smell of vadge?"

"no" said the dentist "You have a skidmark on your forehead"


fankuveramuch

[Bailemor]

Sorry Lee, Must spread rep etc.


David

[Hello]

Well, let me have a go at this.

Please forgive me if this joke was already posted. I just don't think I'll go through 100+ pages.

A chronic gambler walks into a bar where he immediately walks up to a man near the bathroom. The two talk for a bit before the gambler walks up to the bartender instead.

He says to the barkeep, "I bet $1000 I could piss into a beer bottle from fifty feet away without spilling a drop."

The bartender takes the bet. The gambler sets up the bottle than pisses. He gets nowhere near the bottle; instead, he pisses all over the floor.

The bartender laughs and says, "Looks like you owe me a $1000."

The gambler shrugs and gives him the money. When the bartender asks the guy why he seems so content, the gambler responds, "I just bet the guy by the bathrooms $2000 that I could make you laugh after pissing all over your bar."

[Bailemor]

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
************************************************** *

[cr720]

*******************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
************************************************** *

Awesome! +rep for you
...Damn, Computer says no rep for you!

[ender84567]

apologize for those who have seen this, but this one cracks me the heck up every time i read it (but then again i'm a huge nerd )

[David G]

Man walks in to a cafe wearing a very flowery, very wide tie.

The waiter asks "Kipper Tie?"

"Yes please, two sugars."






I'll get my coat . . .

[bullet08]

three peanuts walk into a bar. they got a-salted.

pete

[Bailemor]

2 women meet for coffee, first woman asks "did you come on the bus", second woman replies "yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack"

Boom Boom

[satsumaruma]

2 women meet for coffee, first woman asks "did you come on the bus", second woman replies "yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack"

Boom Boom

Superbly funny,

sorry no can posrepee

[rottunpunk]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad
drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes
twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[Shmur]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

*rimshot*

[Manuka]

A Termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the Bartender here?"

[David G]

Paddy turns up to his usual Sunday morning football game. He gets out his brand new football boots and sets off to play.

He keeps tripping over or losing one of the shoes. His friend runs up to him and says: "Paddy for goodness sake you've only got one boot laced up!"
Paddy says "I'm just following the instructions on the shoe, look!"

Sure enough on the bottom of the shoe it says: Taiwan.






I'll get my coat . . .

[David G]

Mourners at Stephen Gately's funeral have been asked to NOT send flowers. They are expecting a load of pansies to turn up . . .


After hearing the news of his untimely death at his villa in Spain, Ronan was reported to be "devastated", Louis Walsh "inconsolable" and Michael Barrymore "Innocent!"