Joke of the Day

[David G]

Don't know if anyone can help but I did something the other day and I'm not sure of the correct term. I'll give a brief description:

I put some comfortable shoes and walked about a mile. Then I stopped and looked at a map and walked about two miles more. I had a biscuit out of my rucksac then walked about three more miles. I then stopped and had a cup of tea out of my flask and half of the sandwiches I'd made. I then I walked about another two miles to the top of a hill . . . err, sorry, I promised a brief description but I've just realised I'm rambling.



I'll get my coat . . .

[rottunpunk]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.


I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'


The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,



'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

[David G]

My mother in law is getting senile I swear. She stands, sometimes for a couple of hours, just tapping on the window of my front room.





If it gets really cold I may let her in one day.

[Kaa]

My mother in law is getting senile I swear. She stands, sometimes for a couple of hours, just tapping on the window of my front room.

If it gets really cold I may let her in one day.

Don't!

Once they're in... you'll find your home turned into Hotel California... They may check out - but they will never leave...

[Kaa]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

* * *

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2, and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above applications can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash! Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Fukuryu]

You asked for it, Kaa...

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

* A "don't remind me again" button.
* Minimize button.
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

[cesarekim]

Are you guys married or did you just take a look at the eval copy and uninstalled?

[Fukuryu]

I am married... Evaluation time run out (that's why you have to read the EULA carefully...) and only option left was upgrade.




(Is it obvious that my wife doesn't read Kendo World...?)

[GothMelancolia]

Well if you know your basics about computers you should know that this

* An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

Could lead to this

* the "headache" file
* loss of other system resources.

lots of them I might add
If she would ever to read it

(Just so you know we know everything and we are watching your every move, we have all your passwords and usernames, credit card data, bank accounts, the magazines that you hid in the garage EVERYTHING )

That is why I recommend the customers with software related problems to best leave the system alone and never try upgrading or uninstalling stuff when they are obviously not capable of understanding the processes involved.

and remember there is no perfect protection against spyware and addware

[Fukuryu]

..., the magazines that you hid in the garage ...

Not the magazines, please! Not my "Fighting Starts Ninja"! I'm lost without them!

[Kaa]

Are you guys married or did you just take a look at the eval copy and uninstalled?

Well, Im sticking to an old but proven safe version of Single 2.0 and it has worked out very well. Application Lover 1.0 and even upgraded version Lover 2.0 seems to work perfectly without interfering with each other. Make sure you have a good antivirus program though.

Naginata 3.0 and Iaido 1.0 has proven to work well with some initial problems during installing, due to lack of memory but an upgrading of memory capacity did improve the standard immensely. I have heard though that an upgrading of these programs has proven to be hard to get, and when finally got them a complete upgrading of the system might be needed.

;-)

[Fukuryu]

... Should have been "Fighting STARS Ninja"... I made it look like the ninja starts the fights... And that's not true, is it...?

[Kaa]

Well if that wasn't a freudian slip...then what is!! pretty funny! Can't posrep you...

[Fukuryu]

Mail just arrived from my lovely wife (told you she doesn't read Kendo World...):

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
Paul F. Crickmore

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F-104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

[GothMelancolia]

Mail just arrived from my lovely wife (told you she doesn't read Kendo World...):

really

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -before marriage and after marriage.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.