Joke of the Day

[Manuka]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull

With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"

[Manuka]

Two guys are sitting at a bar on the top floor of the Empire State Building, enjoying the view and having a few beers.
After a couple hours one of them goes over to the fence and says, "Man that's a long way down!"

The second guy goes over there and starts telling Guy1 about the ventilation system in the building.
He tells him how it was state of the art at the time it was built and an incredible technological marvel;
because the building is so tall it takes really strong fans to efficiently circulate air properly.

Well Guy1 is fascinated by this and practically begs Guy2 to tell him more.
Guy 2 says, "these fans are so strong that you can jump off this fence and they will suck you in through the window on the 10th floor".
"I don't think that's possible, you had me going for a minute there" says Guy1

Guy2 says," Oh yeah? Here, I'll show you" and abruptly climbed onto the guard fence and jumps off the building!
Guy1 watched in horror as the man fell and fell and fell but when he was almost to the ground, WHOOSH, he got sucked into the 10th floor window.
He then got onto the elevator and went back up to the top, walked over to the bar and ordered another beer.

Guy1 was stunned. " That’s amazing! I can't believe it actually worked! There has to be more to this, those fans can’t be that strong."
Guy2 says," Nope, it's simple physics. Look, I'll do it again." he walks over to the fence, climbs up and jumps off again.
He falls and falls and at the 10th floor, WHOOSH, gets sucked into the window again.

This time when he gets back up to the top, Guy1 is really worked up.
He just can't believe this and thinks there has to be a trick to it.
He's so flustered he orders a few shots for both of them.
They're both getting pretty toasted by now.
He asks Guy2 if it's scary. " Nope, it's actually kind of fun, you should try it."

After another round of shots, Guy1 can't take it anymore, "Ok, That's it. I'm going to do it!"
He goes over to the exact spot on the fence, climbs over and jumps, yelling YEEHAWW all the way down.
He falls and falls and gets to the 10th floor...., And keeps going and SPLATS all over the sidewalk.

Guy2 just chuckles and walks back to the bar and takes another shot.
The bartender looks at him and says," Superman, you're a real jerk when you get drunk"

[ScottUK]

Seen on Facebook today:



A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.

After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

[davehale]

10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[Karaken]

Stroke it as if you're holding a bird and making love to it. :-)

[samsmith]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Lol

[davehale]

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

[davehale]

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

[davehale]

Classified Ads

-Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
-German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
-1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/best offer
-Snow blower for sale, only used on snowy days.
-Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb.
-Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
-Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
-Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
-Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes.
-Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
-Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

[pgsmith]

Friend of mine told me he was sitting with everyone in the bar after attending a seminar. A fellow sits down next to him and introduces himself as "Master Billy", soke of his own sword school, and says he wants to talk about the Japanese sword arts.

"OK," says my friend, "That's a subject of interest to me. Let me ask you a questions first though. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

" I have no idea." says soke Billy.

So my friend tells him "Why would I want to discuss the sword arts with you when you obviously don't know crap?"

[Kokoro777]

Cow based Economics lesson


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[Bailemor]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[Manuka]

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Sheep you peasant

Sheep are blonde
Sheep never have headaches
Sheep never ask for alimony
Sheep do not care if you date their sister
It is easy to pull the wool over their eyes
Sheep do not care if you forget Valentines day
Sheep do not care if you forget the anniversary
After sex...you can still eat a sheep

[jjcruiser]

MEDICAL EXAM FOIBLES

1. A man comes into the ER and yells:

"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab."
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs --

and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2... "

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths,". . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?".... I asked.
"The patch....The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered...."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

[Bailemor]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

I DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch!'