Joke of the Day

[yoda-waza]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man turned to him and just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring at him.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was wondering if you were my son."

[ScottUK]

Hehe nice one - a classic.

Here's another:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."




"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

[cesarekim]

*** Gold ***

[MikeH]

Most of you have probably heard this one...

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?


- You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork

I present for your edification and delight, The Canonical List of Dead Baby Jokes.

http://chiefmojo.com/deadbaby.txt

Mike Haft

[1/2]

Nice one.

Heres an old one...

Peter was dying and sayed to his wife: "If you find another man, I'll turn in my grave."

A while later he died, and was burried and gone, and his wife moved on. She found one man and a nother.....

After several years she died as well, and came to heaven. As she walked thrugh the perly gates, she asked where her husband was.

An angel asked his name, and she repplied. The angel thought for a moment and sayed: "Yes, I know where he is."

"Where is he then?"

"He's in the kitchen, theyr using him as a fan..."

[Kenzan]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use
write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".

[Kuma]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

That alone was enough to make me laugh.

[satsumaruma]

what's the difference between pink and purple...?


THE GRIP

:

Very very good

[satsumaruma]

Ooh my signature has again been relevant to the thread

[Cobra51]

ROFL! Nice one!

[Luke]

what the difference between light SM and hard SM?

in light sm you tie your wife to the wall and hit her with a whip
in hard sm, you tie a whip to the wall and hit it with your wife.

dear sir may i have permissoin to use this as my sig, it is knee-slap hilarious

[ScottUK]

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".

The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

”Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"

[bullet08]

two old irish men used to enjoy pint of Guinness each on every tuesday at local pub. one of the men said, if i die, please come and pour a pint of Guinness on my grave every tuesday. other one said, do you mind if i pass it through my bladder first?

pete

[Mokujin77]

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath?


One has hope in her soul...



What's the difference between a cross-country run and Jamie Oliver?


One's a pant in the country...


I thank you.

[kartoffelngeist]

Not been around for a while, my computer's dead.

Had to sign in and say those are possibly two of the funniest jokes I've heard in a long time...