Joke of the Day

[Bomba]

> Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.
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> He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To
> everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he
> collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost
>whimpering.
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> Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,
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> .. "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[ScottUK]

A little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?".

The shop keeper's heart melted. He got down on his knees so that he was on her level and said "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?".

The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and whispered.......

"I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a fuc".

[theicychameleon]

"What is black, lives in a tree, and is dangerous?"

Or ghost dog, almost.

Not quite a joke, so much as an occurence. I was with a really stoned bunch of friends one time and we all had decided to walk to the beach (at 4 am) as you do. And along the way we were passing through a really creepy, tim burtony lane with no lights and one of them started to get the fear. The rest of them, stoned bunnies that they were, began to make creepy noises to scare him more so I hugged him and said, you're ok, you're safe. He looked at me with warner brothers eyes coming out of his head and went over to another friend: "Dude, I was just hugged by a giant teddy bear."

[Obukan_dude]

> Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.
>
>
>
> He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To
> everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he
> collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost
>whimpering.
>
>
> Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,
>
> ..
>
> ..
>
> ..
>
> ..
>
> ..
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> ..
>
> ..
>
> ..
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> ..
>
> ..
>
> ..
>
> ..
>
> .. "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

FNAR!!!!

[Alison2805]

"What is black, lives in a tree, and is dangerous?"

Or ghost dog, almost.

Not quite a joke, so much as an occurence. I was with a really stoned bunch of friends one time and we all had decided to walk to the beach (at 4 am) as you do. And along the way we were passing through a really creepy, tim burtony lane with no lights and one of them started to get the fear. The rest of them, stoned bunnies that they were, began to make creepy noises to scare him more so I hugged him and said, you're ok, you're safe. He looked at me with warner brothers eyes coming out of his head and went over to another friend: "Dude, I was just hugged by a giant teddy bear."

Hahahaha!!! Thats hilarious!

[neko kenshi]

Becuase you started the dead baby jokes I'll pitch in this awful one: What do you get when you mix a baby and a razor


and erection

[neko kenshi]

Childrens books you'll never see in a bookstore:

You Were an Accident

Strangers Have teh Best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Getting More Chocolate on Your Face

Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

Sally Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bike!

The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

Barbar Meets the Taxidermist

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

Start a Real-Estate Empire with teh Change from Your Mom's Purse

Things Rich Kids Have, But you Never Will

Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It

Why CAn't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlate Be Friends?

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

[theicychameleon]

You're going to hell, but thanks for amusing us while you're here

"Go to heaven for the weather, hell for the company"

[Drew]

Oh dear - some of those made me cry. Here are some stupid name puns:

What do you call a 500 year old irish man: Pete
What do you call a man with a spade on his head: Doug
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head: Cliff
What do you call a man between two houses: Ali
What do you call a man between two houses cutting somebody's hair: Ali barber

What do you call a woman balancing a glass of ale on her head: Beatrix
The same women playing pool: Beatrix Potter

And my all time favourite:

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says; 'Why the long face?'

[MikeH]

I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.

"Why?" asked the second.

"Because I just bit my lip."

---

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

---

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

---

End transmission

[Bailemor]

A man suddenly found himself nearly drowning in a huge body of water. He tried his best to tred water, but he wasn't a good swimmer--this wouldn't end well! He thought, "God has a plan and will get you out of this!"

Just then, a boat happens by. The person manning the boat yells to the drowning man, "Do you need help?"
"No, I don't need any of your help. God will save me!" And the boat moved on.
It had been several minutes since the drowning man had seen the boat. And God was still nowhere to be found. He was starting to sink in spite of his best effort to stay afloat. Another boat happens by...
"Hey, do you need help?" Asks the man in the boat.
"No, I am a man of faith and I am confident God has a plan and will save me!" Yells the drowning man.
"Suite yourself!" As the boat faded from view and the drowing man met his fate.

The man suddenly finds himself at the pearly gates in heaven. He had died and God had made no attempts to save one of his faithful! Bewilderd the man yells at the gates, "God why didn't you save me?"
And God yelled back, "I sent two boats you BIG DUMMY!"


David

[Nakura]

A professor of medecine is in an operating theatre showing his students a corpse on the operating table.

"When dealing with a dead body, it is essential that you are completely at ease with it." He then shoves his finger up the corpse's arse, pulls it back out and sucks it. "All of you must do this." One by one, the students all follow his example.

"It is also very important that you observe carefully what I do. Note that I inserted my index finger and sucked my middle finger."

[ScottUK]

Nicely done, Nak. I take back all I said about you...

[Martino]

God created Man,
after a user survey he created Woman,
then his project funding was cut.

[Mowvran]

The following are all replies that women have put on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [Name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?


9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney -maybe it really is the MagicKingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.