Joke of the Day

[Kenzan]

*********************
What does a Japanese mugger say?
"Give me all your money or I'll kill myself!"

*********************
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. "What a feat!" said the Emperor.
"Samurai Number Two, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish, swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.
"How are you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?" The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!"

[Lloromannic]

Not really a joke, but it made me alugh so much i think it is necessary to share


http://jj.am/gallery/d/10839-1/BreakdancerAxeKick.gif

[Kenzan]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

[Kenzan]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

























MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

[Andrew S]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't really matter; it's not going to come when you call.


How does a blind bungee-jumper know when they've reached the bottom?

The lead goes slack.


How do you make a dog drink?

Put it in a blender.


Why did the koala fall out the tree?

It had a eucalyptic fit.

[bolson]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his new Porsche was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.
"MY ROLEX!"

[GavinP]

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I would have to quit drinking.

Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up.

I asked how come I had to give up my stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back...

[Dervish]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

[Hisham]

To revive the joke of the day thread, although it's late as far as GMT people like me are concerned.


For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would
go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments
to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confusedwife.
"Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with
meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

[ahmed61086]

Not really a joke, but it made me alugh so much i think it is necessary to share


http://jj.am/gallery/d/10839-1/BreakdancerAxeKick.gif

I personally dont think a little girl getting her face smashed in, bones broken, and possible brain damaged to be funny.

[Lady_Kitsune]

The joke above, LOL..

The pic... don't know what am I seeing

[ahmed61086]

The joke above, LOL..

The pic... don't know what am I seeing

Hmmm, the "gif" is of a little girl running through the space where a break dancer is break dancing, and the little girl gets kicked so hard in her face that she flies a few feet.

It wasn't a joke.

[Lady_Kitsune]

Oh, i see, it suppose to be moving... I just see a static pic, yeah not funny and make me wnt to kick her irrisponsible parents butt

[ahmed61086]

Oh, i see, it suppose to be moving... I just see a static pic, yeah not funny and make me wnt to kick her irrisponsible parents butt

What sickens me is how people can laugh at it, and if you go to youtube you can watch it and read the comments about how they think the little girl deserved it?!?! She must be no older than 2 years!

[TheChessQueen]

What sickens me is how people can laugh at it, and if you go to youtube you can watch it and read the comments about how they think the little girl deserved it?!?! She must be no older than 2 years!

I take it you do not like dead baby jokes either... ever heard of:
schadenfreude!!!!???