Joke of the Day

[Ignatz]

This is for Ahmed and Mugu.

A Palestinian guy marries a girl from Minnesota and they have a son. They want a name that will reflect both of their cultures and finally decide to call him


YASSAR YOUBETCHA

[Paikea]

This is for Ahmed and Mugu.

Hehehe...I'm enjoying the deep implicit subtlety here, John.

[Hisham]

No offence to either the white people or the ladies:
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?

Indian Chief... "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official... "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress... and the damage he's done."
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land... Indians running it. No taxes... No debt... Plenty buffalo... Plenty beaver... Clean Water... Women did all the work... Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing and all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

[Andrew S]

Want a joke?


The Hatamoto Dojo.

[Nakura]

A couple of vampire bats are hanging around in a cave. One of them heads out on a recce (British English for 'recon') and comes back with his face completely covered in blood.

His friend looks at him in amazement. "Wow! What happened?"

The other motions to a village. "See that village?" His friend nods. "See that steeple?" His friend nods again. "I didn't."

[ScottUK]

One for the Brits:

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place and got comfortable After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'. Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'. Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks 'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !'

[Andrew S]

Two ships, one carrying a cargo of red paint, and the other one carrying a cargo of blue paint, collided in heavy fog this morning. Both crews are now marooned.

[imgrimjim]

Mickey Mouse is in court trying to get a favourable divorce from his wife Minnie but it’s not going well.

‘I’m sorry Mr. Mouse’ says the Judge ‘but you saying your wife is insane is not reason enough for me to grant you the divorce you want’

Mickey sighs and answers ‘I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy’



Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first one orders a pint of blood.

The second one orders a half pint of blood.

The third orders a pint of boiling hot water.

The barman asks him if he wants a pint of blood like his friends.

‘No thanks’ says the vampire, taking out a used tampon ‘I’m making tea’

[lucy]

‘No thanks’ says the vampire, taking out a used tampon ‘I’m making tea’

Uh, that's... Urgh. And not to mention the fact that protein clots in hot water...

The Goofy one is funny, though.

[Sparv]

Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first one orders a pint of blood.

The second one orders a half pint of blood.

The third orders a pint of boiling hot water.

The barman asks him if he wants a pint of blood like his friends.

‘No thanks’ says the vampire, taking out a used tampon ‘I’m making tea’

I nearly laughed to undeath.

[absenteekendoka]

An Irishman walks into a bar ( go figure ) sits down and says to the bartender give me 20 shots of the best whisky in the house!!!!

The bartender looks at him in shock and then starts to pour out all 20 shots.

The little Irishman knocks back all twenty shots.....one after another....

The bartender looks at him in amazement and says "I've never seen anyone drink like that!"

The Irishman looks up and says sadly..."Well boyo, you'd drink like that to if you had what I had..."

Concerned the bartender asks "What do you have?"

The little Irishman smiles and says " Oh, about a dollar twenty five..."

[Nige]

Here's a dilemma...

With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is -- it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

[Hisham]

I took the test seriously untill the last sentence, hehehe, nice shake n bake move.

[Owen]

color. you can see the fear better

[satsumaruma]

This might not make sense out of the UK but here goes.

Two bits of tarmac (asphalt) wlak into a pub to have a few drinks and start discussing their own jobs and debating with the barman who is the hardest.

the first one says " I'm the hardest tarmac there is. I am part of the M25 and have non stop heavy duty trafiic going over me day and night and can tolerate the heaviest of heavy lorries"

"sorry mate" says the second bit of tarmac, " but that's nothing. I am from Heathrow airport and am so hard that they have landed Concorde and jumbo jets on me and still no signs of cracking".

At that moment a piece of Red Tarmac walks into the pub and both grey tarmacs run into the toilets where they stay until the red tarmac finishes his drink and leaves.

They return to the bar whereupon the barman asks why, if they are so hard, did they run away when the red tarmac came in.

(and now the punchline which may make better sense if you read out line)

"because he is a cyclepath"