Joke of the Day

[Manuka]

"A Baby's Revenge" by Norah Titov

"Caught on a Barbed Wire Fence" by Wan Huang Loh

[ScottUK]

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms..

Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again..

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket..

8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[satsumaruma]

"Efficient shopkeeping" by Justin Stock

"Tales of a talented, drunk pool player" by Beatrix Potter

"Homosexuality in Scotland" by Ben Doon and Phil McCavitie

[satsumaruma]

Let's test the way you think.

I got sent a link to this website.
(Iv'e deliberately missed of the www. bit for obvious reasons)

"penisland"

Betcha didn't think it was a site for stationery did you?

Pervos








for the really thick it was Pen-island

[satsumaruma]

I was sorry to hear that Stephen Hawking has not been well recently.

I am no expert on such things but has anyone thought of turning him off and then back on again.


fankuveramuch

[satsumaruma]

On hearing that he elderly grandad had died at the grand old age of 98, Katie went to see her 98 year old Grandma at her home.

When she asked how her grandfather had died her Gran replied,
"He had a heart attack during sunday morning sex"

Katie was appalled at the thought of her grandparents risking their wellbeing by making love.

"Oh, it's fine" said her gran "we do it in time with the church bells. Nice and slow. In on the ding and out on the dong".

She paused at this point to wipe away a little tear.
"He'd still be alive today if the Ice-cream van hadn't come along"!


fankuveramuch

[satsumaruma]

Bloke walks into the pub clearly upset and orders a quadruple whisky and downs it in one.

Barman asks what is wrong.

The bloke replies, " came home early from work and caught my wife shagging my best freind"

"shit mate" said the barman "what did you do?"

Bloke said "I told her to pack her bags and f*ck off"

"but what about your best friend " asked the barman.

"well" sniffed the bloke, " I looked him straight in the eye and said....








bad dog!"



fankuveramuch


(please note, those who cannot recognise that this was a joke and that the author is not promoting bestiality is a bit dim)

[Andrew S]

"The Haunted House" by Hugo First
"Why Nobody Likes Me" by I.M. Aloozer
"Why Nobody Likes You Either" by U.R. Aloozer II

"How To Succeed Despite Idiocy" by George W. Bush

[JoDuncan]

.........

(please note, those who cannot recognise that this was a joke and that the author is not promoting bestiality is a bit dim)

You've changed maaan

[Jung_Yul]

From my "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" calendar:

"I'd started out with the objective of becoming a pianist/composer and chose instead to enter the field of chemistry as a practical consideration, obtaining my B.S. in Chemistry from the University of XXX in 1993. I was arrested for unlicensed synthesis based upon a misguided spiritual aim (coercive out-of-body awareness, i.e., dreaming and wakeful hallucination), and am intent on making the most of my talents. Currently I am pursing chemical graduate studies at...

from an actual resume"

[jjcruiser]

In honor of the fact that I just got laid off from my job, I found this article apropo, if not quite as funny as I would have liked:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...rce=EMTF_Onion

[satsumaruma]

You've changed maaan

Uhuh! have you ever noticed that the word 'bestiality' contains the phrase 'best'?

is there a message for us all there?

It's a ponder isn't it?
















.

For anyone Canadian; please note this is a joke and not supportive of shagging sheep or any other dumb animals such as Americans!

[Andrew S]

please note this is a joke and not supportive of shagging sheep or any other dumb animals such as Americans!

Baa to that!

[Jung_Yul]

A guy is pulled over for speeding. When the cop asks him for his license and registration, he replies "I don't have the registration for this car." The cop asks why that is to which he replies "Because I stole it." Perplexed, the cop asks him to repeat himself, so he says "I stole this car, and I don't know where the owner kept the registration, so I can't produce it for you now." The cop asks him why he stole the car. "Well, how would you propose I transport all that cocaine?" The cop then proceeds to ask the driver if he knows whom he stole the car from. "I'm not sure what his name was, but I put his body in the trunk." At this, the cop calls for as much backup he can get, and before long the car is surrounded by police cars, SWAT teams, etc. The Chief of Police, in an attempt to resolve the situation peacefully, ventures over to the car, and asks the driver for his license and registration. With a smile, the driver says "Yes sir, here you are." and hands his driver's license and registration to the Chief. Confused, the Chief says "I don't understand. The officer that stopped you said that you had admitted to stealing this car, transporting drugs, and murdering the original owner."

"Yeah, and I'll bet that son of a bitch said I was SPEEDING too!"

[David G]

. . . . .

"Yeah, and I'll bet that son of a bitch said I was SPEEDING too!"

Great joke! Wont let me posrep you at the moment!