Joke of the Day

[RDorthy]

"Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere".

It pretty much describes the situation I am experiencing with my business right now, so I paid attention to this joke first of all when I was browsing the site for jokes to get myself at least a little distracted and entertained.

[davehale]

Chuck Norris can win American Idol with sign langauge.

[davehale]

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

[davehale]

Japanese Sword Auction Terminology and their "true" meanings:

"slight stains on blade" = the blade is more rust than steel
"light rust spots" = the blade is rusted beyond recognition
"rare" = it's the only one I have at the moment
"scabbard slightly dented" = it looks like a train ran over it
"some minor pitting" = you can see light thru the rust holes
"blade has small nicks in edge" = you could use it as a saw
"good sword for martial arts" = no collector would buy it
"blade could use a light polish" = it will only cost $2000 to restore this jewel
"missing tsuba" = sold the tsuba for big bucks, but the blade is junk
"it's a mumei gendaito blade" = got some ocean front property in Utah if you want it too
"sword needs some restoration" = it will cost $5000 and two years work to save this dog
"sword just came out of the woodwork" = it's been in the back of my closet for years
"handle wrap somewhat frayed" = the handle looks like it went through a shredder
"selling this sword with no reserve" = I'll take anything to get rid of this loser
"blade is unsigned" = the maker was too embarassed to sign it
"blade has minor flaws" = the steel is peeling off in chunks
"a good study sword" = blade is damaged beyond repair
"blade is slightly bent" = it looks like a cork screw

[Bailemor]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have:
Work Out Barbie for £19.95,
Shopping Barbie for £19.95,
Beach Barbie for £19.95,
Disco Barbie for £19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for £19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for £19.95,
Skater Barbie for £19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls

[Bailemor]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit
of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her
eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them
off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he
would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!


Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey
for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare
parts and a malicious thought came to her.




She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his PJ shorts.



Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of
frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the
floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she
had got him back pretty good.



About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in
his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what the matter was.




He said, 'Darling, you were right. All these years you have
warned me and I didn't listen to you.'



'What do you mean?' asked his wife.
'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up

farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in.

[verissimus]

Way too many jokes here to post in this thread...

[lajoie]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit
of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her
eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them
off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he
would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!


Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey
for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
she had put the turkey innards and best handheld vacuum neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare
parts and a malicious thought came to her.




She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his PJ shorts.



Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of
frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the
floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she
had got him back pretty good.



About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in
his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what the matter was.




He said, 'Darling, you were right. All these years you have
warned me and I didn't listen to you.'



'What do you mean?' asked his wife.
'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up

farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in.

LOL

I spat out my coffee, that was... FOWL (get it... foul?)

haha

[Hisham]

Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

[Bailemor]

(Not sure if this has been posted before)


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Bailemor]

I went for a swim at the local baths today. I decided to have a crafty piss in the deep end. But the attendant must have noticed; when he blew his bloody whistle I nearly fell in.

[Bailemor]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.







It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back

[Bailemor]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1 cents and 2 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked

[MikeW]

Reasons To Like Beer by 7-Year-Olds

A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.


7-year-old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

7-year-old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

7-year-old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

7-year-old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

7-year-old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

7-year-old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

7-year-old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

[Manuka]

Little Hodaiki

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for little Hodaiki, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again no response except from little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F...k the Japs.'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'
Again little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher 'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little sh#t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said “Oh sh#t, we're f*#ked!”;
Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.”